Dirty Jokes

Joke: A boy is going to have dinner with his girlfriend's family for the first time and he is also going to sleep with her that night. He goes to the pharmacy to get condoms for that night and he ends up talking to the pharmacist for twenty minutes about his plans for the night. Then he buys the large pack of condoms because he is going to be "busy that night."

Later that night he goes to his girlfriend's house and she greets him at the door. They go to the dinner table and sit down to eat. The boy sits quietly for a minute and asks if he can say grace. After he has been praying for 10 minutes his girlfriend leans over and says "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist!"

Joke: A man boards a train and discovers that he is sitting next to the pope. He sits down but is way to shy to speak. He notices that the pope is doing a crossword puzzle and gets excited because he is very good at crossword puzzles.

Sure enough, the pope asks him for help a few minutes later, "What is a four letter word for a woman that ends with u-n-t?"

The man quickly responds, "I think you're looking for the word 'Aunt'."

The pope replies, "Oh! Of course... Do you have an eraser?"

Joke: One morning a boy living on a farm was rudely awoken by his mother, "You don't get to eat breakfast until you finish all of your chores!"

One of his chores was to feed all of the animals. While he was feeding the animals he took his anger out on them. He kicked the pig, punted the chicken, and hit the cow.

When he was done with his chores he sat down for breakfast and his mom brought him a bowl of dry cereal. She told him, "You hit the cow so you don't get any milk. You punted the chicken so you don't get any eggs. You kicked the pig so you don't get any bacon."

Suddenly his father entered the kitchen and tripped over the cat. He got extremely angry and threw the cat out. The boy looked at his mom and said, "Do you want to tell him or should I?"

Joke: A man is about to go on a long trip so he decides to get his wife a treat from the sex shop. The owner shows him a 'magic dildo.' All you do is say 'magic dildo' then where you want it to go to work and it starts working (For example, 'magic dildo, my wife's vagina'). The man buys it and rushes home.

He is so excited he speeds home and gets stopped by a cop. He explains to the cop that he was speeding because of the magic dildo. The cop looks at him skeptically and says, "Magic dildo my ass!"

Joke: A man calls home, "Hi honey, is mommy there?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle John."

"But you don't have an Uncle John... Go up there, knock on the door, and yell, 'Daddy's home!' Okay honey?"

"Okay," she sets down the phone and goes to her mother's door and yells what she was told. "Okay I did it."

"And what happened?"

"Mommy jumped out of bed naked, tripped, and now she's not moving. Uncle John jumped out of the window into the pool, and now he's not moving."

Very long pause

"Wait... Pool? Is this 555-5598?"