Dirty Jokes

Joke: Two trees are next to each other in the forest, a birch and a beech. A sapling sprouts up between them but they don't know whose it is.

A woodpecker shows up and lands on the sapling. The trees ask him, "We can't tell whose sapling that is. Is it a son of a birch or son of a beech?"

The woodpecker says, "It's neither, but it is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."

Joke: Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One of the men says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"

The other replies, "Haha, yeah... You might want to pet him first though."

Joke: A man is having sex with a married woman when her husband comes home from work early. The man runs into the closet where he hears a little voice, "Sure is dark in here."

The man replies, "Yes it is."

The boys voice says, "Wanna buy this baseball for $50?"

The man replies, "What? That's outrageous."

The boy says, "Or I can just show you my dad's shotgun."

"Okay kid, here you go," the man replies as he hands the kid the money.

The next week the man is making love to the married woman and again her husband comes home early sending him to the closet. He hears the boy's voice, "It sure is dark in here... $1000 for the glove."

The man replies, "What?! That is completely ridiculous."

The boy again says, "Would you rather see the shotgun?"

The man hands him the money and takes the glove.

The next day the boy is complaining to his father that he sold his glove and ball. The father asked him, "How much you get for it?"

The boy replies, "$1050."

The father says, "You shouldn't take advantage of your friends like that! I'm taking you to church."

At church the boy gets into the confessional box and says, "It sure is dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start this shit again!"

Joke: A blonde woman wants to bath in milk because she heard it makes your skin silky smooth. So when the milkman comes she tells him "I'm going to need 25 gallons of milk."

He replies "Damn, what for?"

She tells him "I want to bath in it."

Confused he asks her "Would you like that pasteurized?"

She replies "No, just up to my tits is fine. I'll splash it on my eyes."

Joke: A man goes to a jewelry store with his girlfriend looking for a wedding ring on Friday. He tells the jeweler, "I need a very special ring for my girlfriend."

The jeweler looks around for a bit and finds a $5,000 ring, "This is a very nice one."

The man yells at the jeweler, "This isn't nearly expensive enough! Get me a better one!"

The jeweler scrambles and finds a $40,000 ring, "How about this one sir?"

The man replies, "That's more like it! I'll write you a check right now. But I know you want to verify I have the funds so I'll pick it up Monday afternoon after you check."

On Monday the jeweler calls the man, "Sir, you don't have nearly enough money in your bank account."

The man replies, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"