Dirty Jokes

Joke: A man is walking home from work one day and in a dark alley is approached by a prostitute. She tells him, "Twenty dollars."

He had never been with a prostitute before but it was only twenty dollars. They start going at it in the alley when a couple of police come up with their flashlights and ask, "What are you doing? Are you aware prostitution is illegal?"

The man enraged yells, "This is my wife!"

The police officer replies, "Oh, I'm sorry sir. I had no idea."

The man replies, "Neither did I until you put the light in her face."

Joke: How many guys in the friend zone it take to screw in a light bulb?

Joke: On the way home from work a woman stops at a pet store. She sees a parrot and immediately falls in love with it. She asks the salesperson, "Can I get the parrot?"

The salesperson replies, "Of course, but I do have to warn you the parrot lived in a brothel. So he has picked up some colorful language."

The woman doesn't care so she buys the bird and brings it home. Once home, she puts the bird's cage on a shelf and uncovers it. The bird says, "A new madam! Hello madam."

A few hours later her daughters come home and the bird says, "New girls! Hello girls!"

A few hours after this the woman's husband comes home and the parrot says, "Hi Tom!"

Joke: A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, "It's going to cost you $1000 per bullet."

The man says, "What if you miss?"

The assassin replies, "I don't miss."

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, "I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off."

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, "Aren't you going to shoot?"

The assassin replies, "Hold up, I think I can save you $1000."

Joke: Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.

The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other, "They are never going out again! My wife came home without panties!"

The other replies, "You think that's bad? My wife came home with a card in her crack that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you!'"