Dirty Jokes

Joke: A lady cop pulls over an old man and his wife. She asks the man for his license and registration. He asks his wife, "What did she say?"

His wife replies, "She asked for your license and registration dear." He hands the officer what she asked for.

The police woman then says, "Oh you're from New York? I used to have a lover from New York. But he was a terrible lover."

The man asks his wife, "What did she say?"

His wife replies, "She thinks she used to know you."

Joke: A cop is doing his regular patrol and sees a car parked in the lover's lane with the windows all steamy. He approaches the car and knocks on the window. "Can I help you officer?" the boy inside the car asks the officer.

The cop replies, "Uh, yeah. What are you guys doing out here so late?"

The boy replies, "I'm just reading a book. She's back there playing games on her phone, I think."

The cop asks him, "Son, have you been drinking?"

The boy replies, "No way, I'm only twenty."

The cop looks to the girl, "And how old is she?"

The guy checks him phone, "Sir, in ten minutes she will be eighteen."

Joke: What happened to the orange who slept with the dirty lemon?

Joke: A janitor working at a church is sweeping the floors when a priest approaches him in a hurry, "Hey! I have to use the bathroom, can you hear confessions for a bit?"

The janitor replies, "I have no idea what penance to give."

The father replies, "There's a little chart on the wall, it's easy."

The janitor agrees and gets in the box. Within minutes people start coming in. The first person says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been 1 month since my last confession and I have lied."

The janitor scans the chart, "Lies, lies, lies. Here we go! Say 5 Hail Mary's and 5 Our Fathers!"

The next person comes in, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it's been 6 month since my last confession and I committed adultery."

The janitor find adultery, "Adultery, adultery... There! Say 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Fathers!"

A third person comes in and says, "Forgive me father I have sinned, it has been a year since my last confession and I performed oral sex 8 times on different men."

Again, the janitor scans the chart but he can't find oral sex. He cracks open the confessional and stops an alter boy, "Hey, what does the priest usually give for oral sex?"

The alter boy replies, "Most of the time some candy and a Coke."

Joke: One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman. While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, "Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"

The priest looks at the fisherman and says, "Please mind your language."

The fisherman replies, "Oh... No father, that's the name of a fish. It's a sonofabitch."

The priest heads back to the church. On his way he sees the bishop and addresses him, "Look at the sonofabitch I just caught at the pier!"

The bishop replies, "Father! You are in the house of the lord!"

The priest says, "Oh no! That's the name of the fish, it's a sonofabitch."

The bishop replies, "Oh, if you give me it I can clean it and have Mother Superior cook it for our dinner with the pope."

He cleans the fish and brings it to Mother Superior, "Can you cook this sonofabitch."

She replies, "Why I never! What language for a bishop!"

The bishop tells her, "No, that's the name of the fish. Can you cook it for our dinner with the pope?"

She agrees and makes it up for their dinner with the pope. They sit down with the pope and he takes one bite, "This is wonderful! What is it?"

The priest says, "I caught that sonofabitch."

The bishop says, "I cleaned that sonofabitch."

Mother Superior says, "And I cooks that sonofabitch."

The pope gives them all a blank stare for a moment, takes off his hat, puts it on the table, and says, "You fuckers are alright."