Dirty Jokes

Joke: A man walks into a bar and asks for rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, surprised, takes a bite of the apple and it tastes like rum.

The bartender says, "Turn it around!"

The man takes a bite and says, "And that's coke!"

Another man came into the bar and orders gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite. The man is surprised to taste tonic. The bartender tells him to flip it around and he tastes gin.

A third man comes into the bar and the previous two men excitedly tell him about the apples, "You can order anything and the bartender will give you an apple that tastes like it!"

The man, not believing them, says, "Oh yeah? Give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender hands him an apple and the man takes a bite. He immediately spits it out and yells, "That tastes like shit!"

The bartender says, "Turn it around."

Joke: A mailman is doing his final route after 30 years on the job. At the first house he goes to they give him an expensive watch. The second family is waiting for him and gives him an expensive bottle of wine.

At the third house their is a hot blonde in lingerie. She takes him into her room and they make love for hours. Then she takes him downstairs and makes him waffles. Finally she gives him a card with $10 in it.

He asks her "Why did you do all of this?"

She replies "When I asked my husband what we should do for you he said 'Fuck him. Give him $10 in a card.' The waffles were my idea."

Joke: While Mrs. Jones is cooking dinner she sees that the cookie jar is open and that it is wet and sticky. She goes to her husband and asks him about it. He says he has no idea. Then she walks into her son little Billy's room. She is shocked to see him eating cookies with condoms on his hands.

"Why do you have condoms on your hands!?" she asked him.

He looks at her and says, "I heard daddy on the phone. He said when he uses them you never catch him!"

Joke: A man, his wife, and his son all go to a nude beach. Naturally, the young son has lots of questions. He runs to his father, "Dad! Dad! All of the women have these things hanging from their chests!"

His father tells him, "Son, those are breasts. The women with large ones are dumb and the small ones are smart."

Soon after the son comes running again, "Mom! Mom! All of the guys have these things dangling between their legs!"

The mom replies, "Those are called penis'. The men with the big ones are dumb and the men with small ones are smart."

A little bit later the son runs up to his mom and asks her, "Mom! Mom! Is being dumb contagious? Dad is talking to a really dumb lady and he keeps getting dumber and dumber."

Joke: A man boards a train and discovers that he is sitting next to the pope. He sits down but is way to shy to speak. He notices that the pope is doing a crossword puzzle and gets excited because he is very good at crossword puzzles.

Sure enough, the pope asks him for help a few minutes later, "What is a four letter word for a woman that ends with u-n-t?"

The man quickly responds, "I think you're looking for the word 'Aunt'."

The pope replies, "Oh! Of course... Do you have an eraser?"