Dirty Jokes

Joke: Woman: Can I buy Viagra here?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Could you give it to me over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.

Joke: A man comes home early from work one day and finds his wife naked in bed. He turns and sees a man's feet coming from the curtains. Angry he goes over and pulls the curtains away saying "Who the hell are you?"

The man replies "Why I'm the moth exterminator."

The husband asks "Why are you naked?"

The man replies "Oh my god. I'm too late!"

Joke: A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'"

When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger.

The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?"

The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."

Joke: Little Timmy is walking home from the park and pulling his little red wagon up a hill. As he is getting tired he says "Damn. Fuck this shit."

A nun from the church nearby tells him "Little Timmy! You shouldn't swear like that. God is everywhere and always watching you."

"So he is up in the clouds and in the church?" asks little Timmy.

"Exactly," replied the nun.

Timmy asks "And in my wagon?"

The nun replies "Yes child."

Timmy is suddenly enraged "Well tell him to get his lazy ass out and push!"

Joke: A man walks into a bar and asks for rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, surprised, takes a bite of the apple and it tastes like rum.

The bartender says, "Turn it around!"

The man takes a bite and says, "And that's coke!"

Another man came into the bar and orders gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite. The man is surprised to taste tonic. The bartender tells him to flip it around and he tastes gin.

A third man comes into the bar and the previous two men excitedly tell him about the apples, "You can order anything and the bartender will give you an apple that tastes like it!"

The man, not believing them, says, "Oh yeah? Give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender hands him an apple and the man takes a bite. He immediately spits it out and yells, "That tastes like shit!"

The bartender says, "Turn it around."