Short Jokes

Joke: A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."

Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off. As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks in to bed satisfied with himself.

The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"

She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."

He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."

Joke: A blonde woman was going through a very difficult time in her life. She lost her job, her family, and all of her money. With nothing left to do, she decided to pray, "God, please let me win the lottery. I've lost everything." But the lottery came and she didn't win.

She prayed once again, "God, I know the chance of winning the lottery is low, but I need it. Please let me win." But once again the lottery came and went and she didn't win.

At this point she started to get angry with God, "Listen here God, I need to win the lottery. You owe me that much."

Suddenly light beams descend from the sky and God appears before her. She asks him, "God, why can't you just let me win?"

God shakes his head and said, "I'm doing everything I can. Could you meet me half way and actually buy a ticket?."

Joke: A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.

He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."

"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.

"Here it comes... THR..."

He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"

The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."

Joke: Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says "Mmmm, that was some good lion." The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.

But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. The dog begins to run but has another idea, "Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion hours ago!"

Joke: A British man, Frenchman, and American are on an African safari when they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader addresses them, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but I must follow our traditions."

The Brit replies, "What does that mean?"

The cannibal replies, "We will kill you, eat you, cook you, and make canoes from your skin. But we're not all bad, we'll let you choose your death."

The Brit steps up first and says, "Give me a pistol." He puts it to his head and yells, "God save the Queen!"

Next the Frenchman asks, "Can I have a sword?" As he runs into the sword he yells, "Viva la France!"

Finally, the American asks for a fork. He begins to stab himself repeatedly everywhere. The cannibal leader yells at him, "What in the world are you doing?!"

The American yells, "Good luck with my canoe, assholes!"