Short Jokes

 

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Joke: A pirate walks into a bar with an eyepatch, pegleg, and hook for a hand. The bartender notices his leg, "How did you get that pegleg?"

The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a shark aboard. The shark bit my leg off!"

"Wow," replies the bartender. "What about that hand?"

The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a killer whale aboard. The whale bit my leg off!"

"Oh," replies the bartender. "How about the eye?"

The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a seagull came outta nowhere and pooped in my eye."

"And that blinded you?" asked the bartender.

"No, it twas my first day with the hook."


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Joke: A new monk starts living at the main monk headquarters. He is in charge of the copying of holy texts. He notices that all of the monks are copying copies of their sacred texts. He goes to the head monk, "If there is an error in one of the copies, all of the subsequent copies will have the same error."

The head monk replies, "We have been doing it this way for centuries, but I understand your concern." So he heads to the cellar to check all of the main copies against the original texts.

Hours later no one has seen him and they begin to get worried. They send a monk to the cellar to check on him. He finds him sitting and weeping next to their main text. He asks the head monk, "What's wrong? What did you find?"

The head monk looks at him, "It says celebrate!"


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Joke: Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"

His teacher asks him again more slowly, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

But again Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"

Next she asks, "If I get two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would I have?"

Little Johnny replies, "Six!"

"Good Job Johnny! Now if I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

Johnny thinks for a second, "Seven."

His teacher gets mad, "Johnny, where do you get seven?!"

Johnny replies, "You gave me six cats, and I already have a freaking cat!"


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Joke: Gomer Pyle and Betty Lou,... are out on a date at the County Fair. They are walking side by side when Gomer asks, Betty Lou can I hold your hand? And she says, I don't know Gomer. And he says, Oh come on Betty Lou and she says, Well, OK Gomer. And they walked holding hands. As the night went on Gomer asks, Betty Lou can I kiss you? And she says, I don't know Gomer. And he says, Oh come on Betty Lou and she says, Well, OK Gomer. And they kissed. Gomer drove her home and they kissed a little more. Gomer asks, Betty Lou can I put my finger in your belly button? And she says, I don't know Gomer. And he says, Oh come on Betty Lou and she says, Well, OK Gomer. Pretty soon Betty Lou yells out, GOMER THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON and he says, Well surprise,  surprise, that's not my finger either!


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Joke: A first grade teacher tells her class that she is American and asks them to raise their hands if they are American.

All of their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks, except one girl named Kristen. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American," the girl responds.

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little annoyed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason. What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

"Well," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."


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