Short Jokes

 

55 ratings
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Joke: Two men are walking by a restaurant and one of them says, "That smells amazing! Lets get something."

The other man replies, "But they don't let dogs in, what are we going to do with them."

The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, "Follow my lead."

He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, "You cannot bring dogs in here sir."

The man gets offended, "Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I am blind."

The waiter questions this, "But your dog is a pit bull?"

The man replies, "I know, I am a very important person, I need protection as well."

The first man passes through and the second man begins to walk through when the waiter stops him and asks him the same question. The man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog too."

The waiter replies, "Really? A chihuahua?"

The man freaks out, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!"


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34 ratings
1 saves

Joke: A lady had a son, and she named him "Butt Itches". A few years later he had his first day of school. The teacher went around the room asking everyone to state their name...when it came round to "Butt Itches". The teacher asked "What is your name?" He replied "Butt Itches". At first she thought this was a joke so she decided asked again. "What Is your name?" He replied with the same answer, "...Butt Itches". The Teacher, who was now furious, asked once more and added, "If you don't tell me your name I'm going to spank you and send you to the principal." And again he replied with the same answer, "Butt Itches". The teacher spanked him and took him to the principal. Where he was asked three times what his name was, and all three times the reply was still, "Butt Itches". Then the principal also became furious and spanked Butt Itches, but the principal spanked Butt Itches too hard and he died. At the funeral his mom said, "Oh, my poor Butt Itches". And the preacher said "Well, scratch it."


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21 ratings
5 saves

Joke: An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer. Just before he dies he tells them, "I know most people say that you can't bring money with you after you die, but I want you to all throw this into my grave just as they are about to bury me." With this being said he hands them all envelopes with $50,000 in them.

After his funeral the three are discussing the money. The doctor says, "I have to confess something. I've really been wanting a vacation so I only threw $40,000 in."

The priest follows, "I must also confess. We are renovating the church so I only threw in $25,000. I feel terrible."

The lawyer lashes out at them, "You guys are terrible! Not only did I throw in the $50,000 he gave me, but I added my own $10,000."

The doctor replies, "Why in the world would you give that greedy man your money?"

The lawyer replies, "He was a good man so I wrote him a check for the full amount."


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16 ratings
3 saves

Joke: A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, "I'm sorry... But your pig is dead."

The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."

The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.

The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.

The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on." The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.

The woman is again outraged, "$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"

The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."


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27 ratings
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Joke: A boy named Juan found a book named "You're Bad!" now he showed it to his family. Juan:Father look! I found this book,"You're Bad!" Father:How dare you call me that! After I made all sacrifices to you, you're just gonna call me bad?! Get out! Now Juan showed it to his mother Juan:Mother! I found this cool book in the woods,"You're Bad" Mother:Juan! How could you say that? CLEAN THE ROOM! After Juan cleaned the room, he showed to his 5 years old brother, Pedro Juan:Pedro! I found this book,"You're Bad!" But father and mother got angry. Pedro:What did I just Heard? Did you just told me I'm bad? Brother, I always made you happy and we play joyfully then you're just gonna tell me I'm bad? How dare you! Juan:But Pedro... Pedro:Oops! I'm never gonna talk to you again! Hmmm, what a sad story. Anyways I have a question! What's the name of the book? Listeners to the story:"You're Bad! Narrator:What on Earth! After telling you guys a story you're gonna call me bad? Well then, I'll never gonna tell you guys a story again! Thank you!!!


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