Funny Jokes

Joke: A little elderly lady goes to the doctor because she has been having a problem. She tells him "Doctor, lately I have been farting almost constantly. They don't bother me much because they don't smell or make noise, but it is still annoying. I've farted a hundred times since I got here, I bet you didn't know."

The doctor sends her home with some pills and she returns a week later. Angrily she tells him "Doctor! These pills you gave me have made my gas smell terrible. I don't want to take them anymore!"

The doctor smiles and replies "Great. Now that we have cleared your sinuses we can take care of that hearing problem."

Joke: A little old man told his wife, "I have to go to my doctor's appointment now. I'll see you later."

After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television. A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction. Knowing that that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him, "Honey, there's a car going in the wrong direction!"

The husband replied, "They're all going in the wrong direction!"

Joke: Two sisters, one is blonde and one is brunette, are trying to start a farm. The brunette sister finds a prized bull in the classified and leaves to check it out. She tells the blonde that she will contact her to come haul the bull back to the farm if she decides to buy it.

The brunette goes to the farm and decides to buy it. The farmer tells her that the bull will cost exactly $599, no less. So she buys the bull and heads to town to contact her sister. The only person she can find to help her is a telegraph operator.

The operator tells her "It costs 99 cents per word, what would you like to send?"

The brunette replies "Well I only have $1 left." She thinks for a while and tells the operator she wants to send the word 'comfortable.'

The operator asks "How will she know you bought the bull and want her to bring the haul from the word comfortable?"

The blonde replies "She's a slow reader."

Joke: John, Phil, and Tyler are driving down a highway and their car breaks down. It's a three hour walk to the gas station. They plan to carry their gas tank there and bring it back full. For the first hour John will tell a happy story, for the next hour Phil will tell a sad story, and for the last hour Tyler will tell a scary story.

After two hours of walking it is Tyler's turn and he says "Okay guys... I forgot the money."

Joke: Two men are walking by a restaurant and one of them says, "That smells amazing! Lets get something."

The other man replies, "But they don't let dogs in, what are we going to do with them."

The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, "Follow my lead."

He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, "You cannot bring dogs in here sir."

The man gets offended, "Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I am blind."

The waiter questions this, "But your dog is a pit bull?"

The man replies, "I know, I am a very important person, I need protection as well."

The first man passes through and the second man begins to walk through when the waiter stops him and asks him the same question. The man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog too."

The waiter replies, "Really? A chihuahua?"

The man freaks out, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!"