Dirty Jokes

Joke: A man with a penis that was 25 inches long went to a witch to see if she could reduce its size. She told him "Go to the forest. There you will find a toad. Ask it to marry you."

So the man went into the forest and found the toad she spoke of. He asked the toad if it would marry him and the toad responded "No." Instantly his penis shrunk by 5 inches.

He asked again and the toad again responded "No!" His penis went down to 15 inches in size. He realized that whenever the toad said no to him, his penis would shrink 5 inches.

Figuring that 15 inches was still to big he decided to ask the toad one final time. The toad responded "Are you deaf? How many times do I have to say it? No! No! No!"

Joke: One day a wife asked her husband, "Honey, would you please mow the lawn?" Her husband responded "Who do you think I am, John Deer?"

Later the wife asked, "Would you please paint the house?" Her husband said, "Who do you think I am, Sherwin Williams?" Then he left to go fishing for the weekend.

When he got back home, he was surprised to see the lawn was mowed and the house was painted. He asked her how she got all of it done. She said, "The guy next door did it. He wanted me to either bake him a cake or give him a blow job."

So the husband asked, "What kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Who do you think I am, Betty Crocker?"

Joke: A hotel is raided for prostitution and the police line up all of the girls outside. One of the girl's grandmother walks by and asks her "Dear, why are you all lined up?"

She tells her grandmother "The police are giving out free oranges to everybody here."

The grandmother sticks around to get her orange. When the cop gets to her he asks her "You're still doing this at your age? How do you do it?"

The grandmother replies "Well, I just take out my teeth and suck em' dry."

Joke: What does a woman do with her asshole if she wants to have an orgasm?

Joke: Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.

The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other, "They are never going out again! My wife came home without panties!"

The other replies, "You think that's bad? My wife came home with a card in her crack that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you!'"