Dirty Jokes

Joke: A guy walks into a bar and approaches another man at the counter and says, "I just fucked your mother. We did it in your bed and I came all over her. What do you think about that?" The other guy replies, "Dad, you're drunk."

Joke: A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom. The pharmacy asks him "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

The duck says "What kind of duck do you think I am?"

Joke: A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Joke: Last night I went to a bar and picked up a girl. We went to her place and things started to get hot and heavy. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it. But then we heard somebody at the front door, "Oh shit, it's my boyfriend. You have to use the backdoor, hurry."

I thought I should probably leave at this point, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

Joke: A proctologist is writing up a prescription for a patient so he reaches into his pocket for his pen. But all he finds is a rectal thermometer.

He looks at his patient and yells, "Some asshole has my pen!"