Dirty Jokes

Joke: (The maid has just asked for a raise)
Mrs. Smith: "Why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maid: "I have three reasons. The first is that I cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith: "Who told you that?"
Maid: "Your husband did. The second reason is that I clean better than you do."
Mrs. Smith: "Who told you that?"
Maid: "Your husband did. The final reason is that I am better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith: "I suppose my husband said that too?!"
Maid: "No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith: "How much do you want?"

Joke: A man walks into the bank and walks up to the teller. She asks him "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "Yeah, I want to open up a fucking bank account."

She tells him "Sir, we don't tolerate that sort of language here." She then gets the manager, who agrees that she should not put up with the man's language.

The manager approaches the man and asks "Sir, do we have an issue here?"

The man replies "No! I just want to put this motherfucking 100 million dollars I won in the goddamn lottery into a bank account."

"Oh," says the manager, "was this bitch giving you trouble, sir?"

Joke: It's fun to listen to Russian mothers talk to their kids.

Instead of saying "talk" they say "tak."

Instead of saying 'want' they say "vant."

The cutest one is when they try to tell them "I love you", it usually comes out "You're a fucking disappointment."

Joke: My friend and I were sitting at the bar and saw some old and sad looking drunks. I laughed and said "That's us in twenty years."

My friend slapped me and said "That's a mirror, dumbass."

Joke: What did the woman do when her husband admitted he was gay?