Dirty Jokes

Joke: Did you hear about the first time BDSM offender?

Joke: Thomas was out of work with the flu for a couple of weeks. When he gets back to work his friend Joe asks him, "Hey, are you doing okay?"

Thomas replies, "It was the best!"

Joe replies, "What? Weren't you sick?"

"My wife truly loves me," Thomas explains,"Every time a delivery guy or the mailman came to the door she would run to the door yelling, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Joke: A Texan man orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, "Everybody drink! My wife just gave birth to a Texan boy. He weighs 30 pounds!" Everybody celebrates and is in awe of the baby's size.

A week later he goes to the same bar and orders some whiskey. The bartender gives him it and asks, "Aren't you that fella that had the 30 pound baby? How's he?"

The Texan replies, "Actually he's 25 pounds now."

The bartender asks him, "Wow, is everything okay?."

The Texan leans back and smugly replies, "We had him circumcised."

Joke: Three guys are hanging out at one of their houses when a terrible storm starts. It's so bad that they can't leave the house all night. So they decide to go to bed, the only problem is that there is only one large bed so they all have to share it.

When they wake up the next morning the guy who slept on the right says, "I had the best dream, a beautiful woman was giving me a handjob."

Next the guy who slept on the left side says, "That's weird, I had a dream where I was getting a handjob from a sexy lady."

The last guy, the one in the middle, frowns and says, "I had a dream I was skiing."

Joke: It's fun to listen to Russian mothers talk to their kids.

Instead of saying "talk" they say "tak."

Instead of saying 'want' they say "vant."

The cutest one is when they try to tell them "I love you", it usually comes out "You're a fucking disappointment."