Dirty Jokes

Joke: Thomas was out of work with the flu for a couple of weeks. When he gets back to work his friend Joe asks him, "Hey, are you doing okay?"

Thomas replies, "It was the best!"

Joe replies, "What? Weren't you sick?"

"My wife truly loves me," Thomas explains,"Every time a delivery guy or the mailman came to the door she would run to the door yelling, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Joke: One night a cab driver picks up a nun. The driver stares at the nun for a while and finally asks "Can I ask you a question sister?"

The nun replies "Yes my son."

"I've always had the fantasy of a nun performing oral sex on me. Could you help me with that?"

The nun replies "Only if you are unmarried and Catholic."

The cab driver excitedly responds "Yes! I'm both!" So the driver pulls into the nearest ally and lives his fantasy.

Shortly after he starts to cry and admits "I'm Jewish and I'm married... I'm so sorry sister."

The nun shrugs and says "It's fine. My real name is John and I'm heading to a Christmas party."

Joke: An American guy goes to Europe to get laid. He takes a girl from the club back to his hotel room. After the first round he asks her, "You finish?" She shakes her no.

They go for a second time and again he asks her, "You finish?" But again she shakes her head.

They do it a third time and he is exhausted at this point. He asks her, "You finish?"

She replies, "No, I'm Norwegian."

Joke: A man in a restaurant sees an extremely attractive woman sitting alone, so he decides to send her a nice bottle of wine. The waiter brings the wine to the lady. The lady looks at the bottle for a moment and sends a message back to the man. It reads: 'For me to accept this bottle of wine you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a few million dollars in your bank, and seven inches in your pants.'

He reads the message, laughs, and sends back one of his own: 'Just send it back. I have a Ferrari, Mercedes, and a Corvette. I have twenty million in the bank and a house in Aspen, LA, and Miami. But I will NEVER cut three inches off for any woman.'

Joke: A man in his 20's goes to the bar with his friends. Immediately a lady in her mid-forties starts buying him drinks. Later on she invites him back to her house. He says no, but she offers him some mother daughter action if he comes home with her. He agrees.

Now very excited, they head to her place and go to her bedroom. They start to get into it so he begins to think the mother daughter action was a lie. When he asks about it the lady walks to the stairs and yells up, "Mom! This guy wants to meet you!"