Dirty Jokes

Joke: When my wife left I got extremely depressed. But then I bought a new TV, a dog, and a Ferrari. I've also had sex with a few women and spent a few thousand dollars at the bar.

She's going to be pissed when she gets home from work.

Joke: A man goes to the bar and orders five shots, quickly downing them. The bartender asks him, "What are you celebrating?"

The man replies, "First blowjob."

The bar tender asks him, "How about another one then?!"

The man replies, "No thanks, if five didn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

Joke: A blonde, a brunette, and a red headed mother are talking about their daughters. The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes!"

The read head said "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it!"

The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis!"

Joke: A blonde woman comes home to discover her husband naked in bed. He begins to have a heart attack so she runs to the phone to call the police. At this point her daughter runs up to her and says "Aunt Lilly is in your closet and she's naked."

The blonde woman slams down the phone and runs to the closet and opens the door. Sure enough, there is her sister hiding behind their clothes. The blonde woman, now furious, yells "My husband is having a heart attack and all you are doing is running around naked scaring my kids?"

Joke: A man is sitting next to a woman and her baby. The woman begins to breastfeed, but her baby won't take it. So she tells the baby, "If you don't drink it the nice man is going to have to take it."

Five minutes later she tries again and the baby still won't take it. So she tells her, "Come on, I'm going to give it to this nice man."

Another five minutes goes by and the baby still won't take it. The anxious man blurts out "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off 5 stops ago!"