Clean Jokes

Joke: Knock knock!
Who's there?
Suspense.
Suspense who?
...... Ah!

Joke: A man and his wife are pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the man's window and says "Sir you were going 60 in a 45."

The man says "I was only going 55!"

His wife hits him in the arm and says "No, you were going 65." He gives her a very dirty look.

The officer continues "I'm also going to have to give you a ticket for a broken taillight."

The man says "Broken taillight? I had no idea."

His wife hits him in the arm again and says "What? I've been telling you to get it fixed for weeks."

The man yells "Will you be quiet?"

The officer looks at his wife and asks "Mam, does he always talk to you that way?"

The mans wife shrugs and says "Only when he drinks."

Joke: A blonde woman has lived in Russia for many years. One day a government official comes to her and tells her, "Miss, quite a while back there was an error by a surveyor. You actually live in Ukraine."

The blonde replies, "Thank god! I don't think I could make it through one more Russian winter."

Joke: Thomas has been feeling sick lately so he goes to his doctor. After he receives his check-up his doctor calls him in "Tom, I've got some bad for you..."

Tom quickly asks "What is it?!"

The doctor tells him "You have about twelve to live."

Thomas waits a moment and asks "Twelve what? Years? Months? Weeks?"

The doctor continues "Eight! Seven! Six!..."

Joke: A girl brings her boyfriend to her house to meet her parents. While eating dinner, the father asks her boyfriend, "So what are you studying?"

He replies, "Philosophy."

The father asks, "What are you going to do with that?"

The boy replies, "I'm not sure, but God will provide."

The father, stunned, then asks, "Do you have any aspirations at all?"

The boy again replies, "No, but I have faith that God will provide."

Later the girl asks her father what he thought. He tells her, "I like him. He's stupid and has no life plans. But he thinks I'm God!"