Funny Jokes

Joke: A brunette woman challenges a blonde woman to a swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette tells her, "You have to breast stroke all the way."

The brunette finishes up the race within a few hours and waits for the blonde. She waits and waits and eventually falls asleep.

The next morning she wakes up to the blonde standing over her extremely angry yelling, "You used your arms!"

Joke: Why was the man so attached to his recliner?

Joke: A blonde woman was going through a very difficult time in her life. She lost her job, her family, and all of her money. With nothing left to do, she decided to pray, "God, please let me win the lottery. I've lost everything." But the lottery came and she didn't win.

She prayed once again, "God, I know the chance of winning the lottery is low, but I need it. Please let me win." But once again the lottery came and went and she didn't win.

At this point she started to get angry with God, "Listen here God, I need to win the lottery. You owe me that much."

Suddenly light beams descend from the sky and God appears before her. She asks him, "God, why can't you just let me win?"

God shakes his head and said, "I'm doing everything I can. Could you meet me half way and actually buy a ticket?."

Joke: Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives. One day Tom says to Joe, "If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven."

Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing. About a week later Tom dies.

One night Joe wakes up to somebody calling his name. Scared, he asks, "Who's there?"

Suddenly Tom appears and says, "Hi Joe. I'm coming here from Heaven. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first, there is baseball in heaven!"

Joe gets very excited, but then he asks, "What's the bad news?"

Tom looks at him grimly and says, "I looked at the lineup and you're pitching tomorrow."

Joke: The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"

The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."

The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"

The man tells him, "About $200 a week."

The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"

One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."