IamTHEbest
Shreyas

About: U CAN'T SEE ME!!!


Author's Riddles

HEADLESS (medium)

Question: What loses its head every morning and gets it back every night?

MARRIED (medium)

Question: I have married many women but I am not married. Who am I?

YOURS OR NOT? (medium)

Question: What is yours but your friends use it more than you do?

NO LEGS (medium)

Question: What has a head and a tail, but no legs?

Question: They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. What are they?

BREAK (medium)

Question: Throw me off the highest building, and I'll not break. But put me in the ocean, and I will. What am I?

Riddle #612 (medium)

Question: At the sound of me, men may dream, or they may stamp their feet.
At the sound of me, women may laugh, or even weep.

What am I?

TRAIN (medium)

Question: A train just leaves a station and enters a tunnel. Where is the best place for a claustrophobic person to sit?

COAT (medium)

Question: What kind of coat can be put on only when wet?

WHAT? (medium)

Question: What does man love more than life, Fear more than death or mortal strife, What the poor have, the rich require, and what contented men desire, What the miser spends and the spendthrift saves and all men carry to their graves?

ROBBING (medium)

Question: Three robbers robbed a store. Once they came out they were totally changed, but they still continued robbing. Why?

THROW (medium)

Question: What is the easiest way to throw a ball, and have it stop, and completely reverse direction after traveling a short distance?

ODD BIRD OUT (medium)

Question: Which bird does not belong in this group? Finch, gull, eagle, ostrich, or sparrow?

Question: A man was shot while in his car. The person who shot him was outside of the car. However, all the windows were up and the doors locked. There were no holes in the car though.

How was he shot?

SHOOT (medium)

Question: A sharpshooter hung up his hat and put on a blindfold. He then walked 100 yards, turned around, and shot a bullet through his hat. The blindfold was a perfectly good one, completely blocking the man's vision. How did he manage this?

INTRUDER (medium)

Question: Emily was sitting at her study table, home alone, on a cold and stormy night. Suddenly, without warning, she was grabbed by the neck. "Give me all your money!" growled the man who had grabbed her from behind. "People will get suspicious if I don't answer the phone," said Emily, with a controlled voice. The intruder let her go. "Alright, but NO funny business, or ELSE!" said the nervous intruder. Emily walked toward the phone. She took a deep breath and calmed herself. She picked up the phone. "Hey Em! How's the revision going?" said the caller. "Hey Anna. Thanks for the call. Hey you know those Science notes I lent you last week? Well I really need them back. It would be a great help to me. It's an emergency, so if you could give me them tomorrow it would be great. Please hurry in finding the notes. I need to get back to my books now. Bye," Emily said. She hung up the phone. "It was wise of you not to say anything," said the intruder, although he was more than a bit confused by her conversation. "Now TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS KEPT!" screamed the thief. "It...it's...in my dad's room. The first room on the right. Third drawer," said Emily. "SHOW me!" said the man, and removed his grip around her neck. She took a big gulp of air and nearly fell. She swallowed hard and said a silent prayer. She walked slowly, in silence, toward her father's room. All of a sudden, they heard police sirens. The intruder froze in his footsteps. He ran to the nearest window and jumped out of it. Emily ran outside in time to see the intruder being escorted into the car. She saw Anna and she ran toward her and hugged her. "Smart kids," said the policeman. How did Anna save Emily?

Question: What goes up and down stairs without moving?

Question: What has thousands of ears but can't hear a thing?

Riddle #571 (medium)

Question: What is something that you always have with you but you always leave behind?

CHILDREN (medium)

Question: A woman has 7 children, half of them are boys. How can this be possible?

Riddle #569 (medium)

Question: What demands an answer, but asks no question?

Riddle #537 (medium)

Question: Would you rather enter a pool with a man eating shark, or a pool with ten electric eels?

LIGHT (medium)

Question: A man woke up in the middle of the night and turned off the light. Ten people died as result. Why?

Question: My first is often at the front door.
My second is found in the cereal family.
My third is what most people want.
My whole is one of the united states.

What am I?

Question: You have lost your mother at the carnival. You search for her and eventually you see her.

What's the first thing you do when you see her?

Riddle #483 (medium)

Question: A poor man is sitting in a pub. He sees that the man next to him is extremely rich.

Poor man: I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed.

The rich man laughs.

Poor man: I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a popular song that includes a lady's name of your choosing.

The rich man laughs again.

Rich man: OK, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?

The poor man goes home rich.

What song did he sing?

Riddle #482 (medium)

Question: What type of cheese is made backwards?

HEAT OR COLD? (medium)

Question: Which moves faster: heat or cold?

Question: If you have three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what do you have?

Question: There is a word in the English language in which the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four signify a great man, and the whole word, a great woman. What is the word?

Riddle #462 (medium)

Question: A pet shop owner had a parrot with a sign on its cage that said "Parrot repeats everything it hears." A young man bought the parrot and for two weeks he spoke to it but it didn't say a word. He tried to return the parrot but the shopkeeper said he never lied.

How can this be?

Riddle #461 (medium)

Question: You are running in a 400 meter race and you overtake the last person, what place are you now in?

1004180 (medium)

Question: Two friends were leaving the restaurant and as they passed the cashier, one of them paid his bill but the other handed the cashier a slip of paper with the number 1004180 written on it. The cashier studied the number for a moment, and then let the friend pass by without paying. Why?

EXTRAORDINARY (medium)

Question: Something Extraordinary happened on May 6th 1978 at 12:34 am. What was it?

Riddle #458 (medium)

Question: How high would you have to count before you use the letter 'A' in the spelling of a number?

Riddle #439 (medium)

Question: What word doesn't belong in this group? That, hat, what, mat, cat, sat, pat, or chat?

Riddle #438 (medium)

Question: Two men are in a desert. They both have packs on. One of them is dead. The other man has his pack open, and the man who is dead has his pack closed.

What is in the pack?

Riddle #437 (medium)

Question: What is the difference between a dollar and a half and thirty five-cents?

Oranges (medium)

Question: If you have three oranges and you take away two, how many will you have?

Shorter??? (medium)

Question: Which word in the English language becomes shorter when it is lengthened?

Riddle #430 (medium)

Question: There was a man who was born before his father, killed his mother, and married his sister. Yet there was nothing wrong with what he had done.

Why?

Building (medium)

Question: How many 1 foot by 1 foot bricks would it take to complete a building that's 20 feet long on all four sides and 20 feet high?

Question: There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls.What is it?

Riddle #427 (medium)

Question: Samuel was out for a walk and it started to rain. He did not have an umbrella and he wasn't wearing a hat. His clothes were soaked, yet not a single hair on his head got wet.

How could this be?

Riddle #426 (medium)

Question: A boy at a carnival went to a booth ran by a man who said "If I can write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agreed, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50.

How did the man win the bet?

MURDER 2 (medium)

Question: The Smith family had a large round house. Mrs Smith got murdered by somebody inside the house.The police asked everyone where they were at that time.Billy Smith: “I was playing on the computer.” The Maid: “I was dusting the corners of the house.” Mr Smith: “I was starting to make lunch for later.” Who is lying and therefore the murderer?

BOOKS (medium)

Question: There are two books sitting side by side, consisting of exactly 100 pages. The book on the left is upside down. If you add the page number at the extreme left side of the book on the left to the page number at the extreme right side the right hand book, what is the total?

BROKEN (medium)

Question: It gets broken without being touched. What is it?

DELICATE (medium)

Question: It is so delicate that saying its name breaks it. What is it?

Question: It is as light as a feather but nobody can hold it for a few minutes. What is it?

Author's Jokes

3 ratings
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Joke: Johnny asked his mom how to deal with a girl at school who liked him a lot. His mom told him to find out how she really feels. Johnny asked how to do this and his mom told him to beat around the bush. Johnny then said, "what, just like you and dad do??"


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Joke: An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor. Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that. The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus.


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Joke: The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”. He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”. She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”. He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”. She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”. He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.


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Joke: Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card." A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm playing cards." "Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks. His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."


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Joke: Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"


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Joke: Teacher: "Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand." Johnny: "My penis in your hand." Teacher: "What?" Johnny: "Sorry teacher, I forgot to put a space between pen is."


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Joke: Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"


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Joke: Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"


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Joke: Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey, Dad! What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."


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Joke: There was this little boy who had no name. One day he went outside and heard someone say Jonny. He then tells his mother his first name would be Jonny. The second day he goes outside and hears the name Humper. So, he tells his mother his middle name was going to be Humper. The third day, Jonny goes out and hears the name Harder. Then, he tells his mother his full name shall be Jonny Humper Harder. Jonny goes out one day with handful of cookies. He sees this girl around his age and asks her if she would be willing to take off her shirt for a cookie. The little girls says that she would take off all her clothes for all of Jonny's cookies. Jonny gives her the cookies and the girl takes off all her clothes. Hours later, the towns people all run up to them in the middle of the street and they cry, "JONNY HUMPER HARDER!" Little Jonny yells, "I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING!"


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Joke: One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman." The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats." At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut." A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"


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Joke: One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?". His teacher replies "NO" Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me". "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies. Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger". She again says "NO". "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again. "Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher. Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON" Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".


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Joke: The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable. Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words? After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day Does anyone know another word. I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. Ok Mike, what is your word. Saturday. says, Mike. Great, that has three syllables. Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....." Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful" No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables.


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Joke: Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


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Joke: Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."


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Joke: A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone." Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women. But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman. his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran. Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers


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Joke: A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."


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Joke: Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


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Joke: While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"


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Joke: Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"


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Joke: A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"


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Joke: So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"


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Joke: One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.


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Joke: I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


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Joke: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.


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Joke: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


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Joke: A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"


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Joke: An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain" came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."


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Joke: While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window. "Oh no!" he screamed "One of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger "Aren't those parachutes?" The pilot confirmed that they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."


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Joke: It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."


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Joke: On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"


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Joke: A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening!


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Joke: Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


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Joke: Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.

The Lord's prayer: 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.

The 10 Commandments: 179 words.

The Gettysburg address: 286 words.

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.


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Joke: "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' " Everyone but Little Johnny, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied. <


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Joke: Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" He asked his mother. "He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"


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Joke: The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows" the mother lectured him "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool." "Oh really?" said the lifeguard "from the diving board!?!?"


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Joke: One morning, a father and his young son were in the woods hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father "Dad what are those?" The father replied "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." The boy grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his father "They taste awful." The father replied "See, you're getting smarter already."


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Joke: Three men are sitting in a waiting room in a hospital. Their wives were having a baby. The doctor goes to the first man and says: "Congratulations you have twins!" "That's funny, because I work at Double Fudge ice cream shop!" replies the man. The doctor goes to the second man and says: "Congratulations! You have triplets!" "That's funny, because I work at Three Kings Inn!" Replies the second man. The third man was sweating, and flipping out. The two other men ask: "What's wrong?" And the man replies: "I work at 7-Eleven"


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Joke: Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.


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Joke: Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."


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Joke: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans. Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy." Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy." Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."


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Joke: The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese." She says "That's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."


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Joke: A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."


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Joke: Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work." The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed. (If you don't get this joke heres a tip: H2O2)


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Joke: Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with our electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed."


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Joke: A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


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Joke: The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order', make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. 'What will you do for the last six months?' asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, 'I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law'. Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, 'Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?' "Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"


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Joke: An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."


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Joke: There once was a cop who was surveying a car crash. There were two people that had died in the crash. When he saw a monkey come out of the wreck the cop said "Man I wish you could talk," the cop told the monkey. "Then you could tell me what happened." "Oh but I can," replied the monkey. "Well what was the couple doing?" questioned the cop. "Kissing." replied the monkey. "They were kissing?" asked the cop. "Yes, answered the monkey, and smoking." "At the same time?!" cried the cop. "Yes, and drinking," replied the monkey. "So let me get this straight," said the cop. "They were kissing, smoking, and drinking at the same time." "Yep" answered the monkey. "Then what were you doing?" asked the cop. "Driving." answered the monkey


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Joke: A priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."


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Joke: A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want." The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in poop. "Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in. Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"


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Joke: An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."


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Joke: Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"


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Joke: Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"


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Joke: A man in a bar sees a friend at a table drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"And this month," continued, the friend sadly, "Nothing."


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Joke: Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water". "Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified. "Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs". "And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady. "Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".


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Joke: John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth" he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"


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Joke: It's for my mother-in-law" explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said "My Doberman here killed her." "Gee, that's terrible." commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?" The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered "Get in line."


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Joke: A little boy is sitting in his front room decorating his tree. He looks at his father and says, "Dad how is santa gonna fit down our small chimney?" "It's okay son, I will give him our key so you can have your presents." The son smiles and goes back to decorating. On christmas eve him and his father were going to the store. His father asks him to grab his keys. the little boy runs over to the counter and finds that his father didnt give Santa the key to the front door! In a panic the little boy grabs it and puts it in his pocket. when arriving at the store he sees Santa ringing a bell with a red bucket next to him. The little boy runs up and smiles at him. "Is there something you want to give me?" Santa asked motioning to the red bucket. the little boy reaches in his pocket and grabs the key. He plops it in the bucket and says "you know where i live" he winks and walks away. Santa is just standing there with a confused look on his face the rest of the night.


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Joke: There was a man who went on a trip. It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw a hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."


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Joke: One Sunday morning, there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sarah had fallen back asleep so the boy poked her with the pencil again and she woke up and yelled "God!" "Very good. Now who can tell me what Abrahams wife said after they had their 11th child." The boy poked Sarah again. "If you poke me with that one more time, I'm going to snap it in half."


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Joke: Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to." God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behavior or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"


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Joke: Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon. He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill. He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy" A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you. He is everywhere. He's in the church. He's on the sidewalk. He's everywhere" Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon?" The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon" Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"


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Joke: A young nun enters a convent, where she can only utter two words every ten years. After the first decade, she visits Mother Superior and says "bed hard." Ten years later, she says "food bad." After 30 years, she goes to the Mother Superior and says "I quit." "I'm not surprised" says Mother Superior. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."


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Joke: A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you." she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in." The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"


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Joke: After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well" said the little boy "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


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Joke: A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous" she says and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says "Make em all ugly again."


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Joke: A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother" she asked "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered "Thou shall not kill."


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Joke: A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy" she said "can we leave now?" "No." her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says "For the Sick."


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Joke: There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition." he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man" he said. "He cheated on his wife, abused his family, swindled his friends and the poor..." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."


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Joke: One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first St. Peter ran to God and said "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?". God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell." St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!" "Who, the New Yorkers?". "No, the Pearly Gates."


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Joke: A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."


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Joke: A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 1000 kilometers from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim. The brunette goes 200 kilometers, gets tired, and drowns. The redhead goes 650 kilometers, gets tired, and also drowns. Then the blonde gets to 999 kilometers, gets tired, turns around and swims back.


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Joke: Osama Bin Laden seeks out a fortune teller, since he knows there is a price on his head. The fortune teller says, "You will die on a major US holiday." Bin Laden says, "Which one?!" She replies, "Doesn't matter. Whatever day you die, it's gonna be a major US holiday."


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Joke: A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea. "Why the change?" asked the judge "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?" "No Sir." the man replied "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know women would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of them."


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Joke: A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"


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Joke: A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"


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Joke: A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard it was, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels, and flung him over the table and across the room..

He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth as hard as that."


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Joke: A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.


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Joke: A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over. The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration." The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


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Joke: The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


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Joke: A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"


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Joke: As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


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Joke: A police officer spots a car on the highway going about 22mph, so he stops the car, with a lady and some of her friends, and tells the lady how dangerous is to be going slow as it is to speed. The lady answers "Officer I was going the speed limit! 22mph!" The officer says "That is the highway #. That's what highway you're on. But I need to ask you, are your friends okay, they seem a little shaken up and pale. She answers "Oh they'll be fine in a couple of seconds, we just got off of highway 119"


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Joke: A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."


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Joke: A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad. Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied "Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them."


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Joke: A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey" the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."


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Joke: A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked "when did you bag him?" The host said "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."


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Joke: A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man lets rip a fart. Wifey rolls over and growls "What in God's name was that?" Man says "TOUCHDOWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!" A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher. Husband says "Crikey, what was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed. The wife asks "Now what in the world was that?" He replies "Halftime, switch sides."


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Joke: The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper. "Steve" his wife said, while reading the newspaper "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers." To which the husband replies "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."


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Joke: In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!


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Joke: Two 17 year old brothers are fishing at the lake near their grandparents house in the woods, they get tired and decide to go back to the house. They are walking in the woods when the game warden jumps out of the bushes and asks to see their fishing licences. Instinctively one of the brothers sprints past the game warden, the game warden runs after him and eventually catches up with him and asks to see his licence, the boy shows it to him right away and the game warden asks him why he ran if he had his licence. The boy responded "because my brother didn't have his."


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Joke: Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes. The personnel manager next interviews them together. He presents them with this potential problem: "Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do?" About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up. "I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would you wake Zek up?" Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"


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Joke: The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business. Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. The church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till The bar owner sued the church authorities for $2million on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means. In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. In support of their claim they referred to the Benson study at Harvard that inter-cessionary prayer had no impact. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork and at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I am going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church and its devotees that doesn't.


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Joke: Yo mama's so ugly that when one direction saw her they went the other direction.


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Joke: A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's fifty dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."


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Joke: Only in America do banks leave both vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


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Joke: Do you wanna hear a construction joke?


Punch line: Sorry still working on it.


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Joke: A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?" The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears." Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy." 2nd guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?" The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears." Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy." This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy ""What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out." 3rd guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?" The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you." The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?" 3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."


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Joke: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?


Punch line: You do all the work and a fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.


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Joke: It was a really hot day at the office because the air conditioning was down. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working!"

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me... I'm not wearing any."


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Joke: A boss was complaining in a staff meeting one day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


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Joke: A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."


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Joke: An old blacksmith realized he was going to have to retire soon, so he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions" he told the boy, "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there. When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

The town is currently looking for a new blacksmith.


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Joke: There was a boy named Johnny who would hang around the corner store. The other boys would pick on him, saying that he is stupid. To prove it, they would offer him a nickle or a dime. He would always pick the nickel and they would make fun of him, saying he picked it because it was bigger.

One day the store clerk asked Johnny, "Why do you always pick the nickel? That's why they make fun of you. Do you choose it because it's bigger?"

Johnny replied, "Well if I stopped picking the nickel they would stop, and I've saved up $20!"


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Joke: "Hey Mom?" asked Little Johnny, "Can you give me $20?"

"Certainly not," She replied.

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what Dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey Maria, could you make sure I've got clean socks tomorrow.'"


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Joke: Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everything in his room and putting it in his little red wagon. He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill. He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy" A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you. He is everywhere. He's in the church. He's on the sidewalk. He's everywhere" Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon?" The priest replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon" Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"


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Joke: The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"


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Joke: A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"


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Joke: Three rats are sitting at the bar talking; bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."


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Joke: What's funnier than cancer?


Punch line: Most things, really.


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Joke: A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany. His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email: "Father, I love the way the Ferrari drives but it's so embarrassing, all the other students take trains to school! What should I do? Your loving son" The father then replies the next day "Son, The gold plated train is on its way Dad"


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Joke: A child asks her mom "Why am I named Daisy"? The mother replies "because I dropped a daisy on your head when you were born." Her next child asks her "Why am I named Rose". The mother says "cause I dropped a rose on your head when you were born". The mother's third child says "ahghhhh" and the mother says "Shut up Deuce."


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Joke: Son: Mom I have great news.
Mom: You got a 100 on your math test?
Son: I said I have good news, not a miracle.


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Joke: Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" He asked his mother. "He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"


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Joke: The first twelve months of children's lives are spent teaching them to walk and talk. The next seventeen years are spent telling them to sit down and shut up!


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Joke: A lifeguard told the mother of a young boy to make her son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows that from time to time, young children will urinate in the pool," the mother lectured him.

"Oh really? From the diving board?!"


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Joke: Why was the math book sad?


Punch line: It had too many problems.


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Joke: Teacher: Would you like to share that with the class? Student: Well obviously not, that's why I whispered it.


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Joke: Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."


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Joke: A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


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Joke: A first grade teacher tells her class that she is American and asks them to raise their hands if they are American.

All of their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks, except one girl named Kristen. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American," the girl responds.

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little annoyed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason. What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

"Well," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."


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Joke: Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time shouldn't be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment. 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children. 8 minutes in the bathroom. 10 minutes getting a snack. 7 minutes checking the TV Guide. 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.


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Joke: A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. "And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked. "I don't know," the student said. "Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor. "That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"


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Joke: The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A little Johnny rang out "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkly"


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Joke: A teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would rush into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir." the boys

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, my feet don't turn red from blood?"

Little Johnny shouted "It's because your feet aren't empty."


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Joke: It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."


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Joke: Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said "Okay." looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation "I'm the goalie!"


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Joke: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?


Punch line: A wooly jumper with a pocket.


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Joke: Have you heard about the cross-eyed teacher?


Punch line: She can't control her pupils.


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Joke: What do frogs wear in the summer?


Punch line: Open toad shoes.


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Joke: What is a polar bear's favorite food?


Punch line: A burrrr-ito.


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Joke: One day a teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that every Friday she will ask a question to the class and whoever answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, "here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag onto the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"


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Joke: Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO" The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?" Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"


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Joke: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?


Punch line: Pumpkin pi!


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Joke: Why did the burglar take a shower?


Punch line: He wanted to make a clean getaway.


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Joke: Why was the robber so secure?


Punch line: He was a safe robber.


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2 ratings
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Joke: What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?


Punch line: A cereal killer.


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5 ratings
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Joke: Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little girl who swallowed ten quarters last night doing?"
Nurse: "No change yet."


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Joke: A golf club walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not?" asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later" replies the bartender.


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1 ratings
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Joke: Why did the cyclops have to close his school?


Punch line: He only had one pupil.


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Joke: The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese." She says "Still not good enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says "Liver alone... cheese mine."


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Joke: A professor was giving a big test one day. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back.

This student got his test back and $56 change.


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13 ratings
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Joke: A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you." she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"


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Joke: What is a vampires least favorite food?


Punch line: Steak.


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Joke: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?


Punch line: None, really. You can do it yourself.


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19 ratings
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Joke: There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel bar. Upon arriving to the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied "Everything is big in Texas."

A little later the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door. This door lead to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident.

Scared to death, he started shouting "Don't flush, don't flush!"


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Joke: Why are aliens messy tea-drinkers?


Punch line: With flying saucers, it's hard not to spill.


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115 ratings
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Joke: Why do farts stink?


Punch line: So that deaf people can enjoy them too!


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8 ratings
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Joke: A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study. He sees a sign indicating the profession of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for an engineer's brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for a programmer's brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for a lawyer's brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is a lawyer's brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"


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Joke: Two men go on a fishing trip. They rent everything they need for the trip including the cabin.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch anything. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home one of them turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"


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16 ratings
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Joke: There are three men in a truck driving in a desert. Their names are Manners, Poo, and Shut Up.

Poo falls out of the truck but nobody notices. They finally stop at a gas station and Manners goes back to look for Poo while Shut Up waits at the station.

A policeman approaches Shut Up and asks "What's your name?" He replies "Shut Up." The policeman asks again "What's your name?!" He replies "Shut Up!" Annoyed, the policeman asks "Where are your manners?"

He replies "Gone picking up Poo."


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Joke: What do you get when you cross a computer and a lifeguard?


Punch line: A Screensaver!


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3 ratings
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Joke: Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?


Punch line: He was looking for Pooh.


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Joke: What do you call a crow on Halloween?


Punch line: A Scare Crow.


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Joke: What did one traffic light say to the other traffic light?


Punch line: Don't look I'm changing


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Joke: When is algebra ever going to come in use in our day-to-day life?


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Joke: Dear math, why do you keep asking us to find your x, isn't it clear that she doesn't want you anymore? Don't ask y.


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Joke: One day the Devil appeared to a man. The devil tells the man i will grant you three wishes. So the man agrees. The man says: "I wish I was above everyone, I wish I was important to the city, and that people respect me . So the Devil turns him into a light-post. He is above everybody, he is important to the city, and the people respect it.


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Joke: Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other "I don't think much of this budgie jumping." The other moron replies "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."


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187 ratings
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Joke: A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."


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46 ratings
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Joke: One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."


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Joke: There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!" The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!" "No" replied the man. "God will save me!" The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help. "No, God will save me!" he said Eventually he died by drowning. He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?"


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6 ratings
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Joke: A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


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12 ratings
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Joke: Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a darn good thing, cause he sure as heck can't wear glasses!"


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Joke: Three men were discussing coincidences at a bar. The first man said "My wife was reading a Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins." "That's funny" the second man remarked "my wife was reading The Three Musketeers" and she gave birth to triplets". The third man shouted "Good God, I have to rush home!". When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves"!


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Joke: After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from though out the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"


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Joke: Where do dumb aliens go?


Punch line: Area 52.


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Joke: What do you call a spaceship with a broken air-conditioning unit?


Punch line: A frying saucer.


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72 ratings
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Joke: A woman is at a gas station when she noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it.

The woman noticed that "UFO" was printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked "Doesn't UFO stand for unidentified flying object?" The alien answered "No, it stands for unleaded fuel only!"


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17 ratings
2 saves

Joke: What's E.T. short for?


Punch line: He doesn't have legs.


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Joke: Why do seagulls live near the sea?


Punch line: If they lived near the bay, they would be bagels.


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Joke: What is the most delicious snake?


Punch line: A Pie-thon!


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Joke: Why was 6 scared of 7?


Punch line: Because 789 (7 ate 9).


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4 ratings
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Joke: What do you get when you mix your dad's red paint with his white paint?


Punch line: You get in trouble.


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8 ratings
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Joke: Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."


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