goldenapollo1
Jack

Joke: God said he would put a good woman on every corner of the Earth

Joke: One day during recess the teacher had heard the kids use the word "fascinate" the wrong way. When recess was over the teacher asked the students if anyone could use the word fascinate in a sentence. Little Susie raised her hand and said, "This weekend when we went to the zoo it was really fascinating." To teacher said good but she wanted someone to use the word fascinate not fascinating. Little Timmy raise his hand and said, "I was really fascinated by the book we read last week." Again the teacher said good but I wanted someone to use the word fascinate not fascinated. Next Little Johnny raised his hand. Teacher thought about it for a minute before choosing him but finally gave in and let him answer. "Teach, I noticed your sweater has 10 buttons on it but probably cuz your tits are so big you could only fascinate."

Joke: What does a woman and a happy meal have in common?

Joke: Next time you're at a party with your friends somewhere along the night just ask out loud, "Hey did they ever get back together?" Somebody will always ask, "Who?" Then answer back,...

Joke: What are the 3 rings of marriage ?

Joke: A man is walking on a beach and finds a bottle. For shits and giggles he rubs the bottle. To his surprise a genie pops out. He starts yelling out, "I've got three wishes I've got three wishes!" The genie tells him, no that two of the wishes have been used up so he only gets one wish. He asks the genie if he could think about it overnight. He wanted to make sure he was going to make the right wish and not a bad one. The next morning he tells the genie that he wants him to build a bridge from California to Hawaii. The genie asks why the man tells him because he's deathly afraid of flying and he doesn't like boats. The genie starts complaining about how much concrete and rebar and flotation devices and everything else it's going to take to build this bridge. He asked the man is there anything else he would wish for and the man answers well I would like to be able to understand women. Without any hesitation the genie asks, "Will that be a two or four lane bridge?"

Joke: So if you get an email with a picture of a can on it,... It's probably spam.

Joke: There was this lady who was totally in love with Santa Claus. She bought a sexy Teddy and wore it under her bathrobe on Christmas Eve. She waited up what seemed like all night for Santa to come down the chimney. The woman fell asleep. Santa came down the chimney and just as he was about to leave she woke up and saw him. She startled Santa when she asked, " Santa can you stay for awhile? " And Santa replied, " Ho ho ho I gotta go, I've got to give a lot of gifts to some friends I know." She slid her robe off her shoulders and let it fall to the floor standing there in her Teddy and asked again, " Santa, now can you stay for a while? " And again Santa replied, " Ho ho ho I gotta go I've got to give a lot of gifts to some friends I know. " She was getting desperate so she slid the teddy off her shoulders and stood there butt naked and asked him again, " Santa, can you stay now for a while? " This time Santa replied, " Hey hey hey I've got to stay because I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."

Joke: What is Irish and looks good on your back deck?

Joke: What are the names of the two gay Irishmen?

Joke: What is the name of the gay Irishman?

Joke: High noon in the middle of the night Two Dead boys woke up to fight Back to back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot each other A deaf, crippled policeman heard the noise And ran to save the two Dead boys If you don't think this story is true Ask the blind man because he saw too

Joke: Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres died ?

Joke: This young couple liked to have sex all the time. But when their kids started getting older, they couldn't just ask, Hey honey, want to have sex? So instead they came up with the coded phrase, hey honey, "Want to do the laundry ?" And this worked out really good. This one night the wife was studying for a test and the husband asked her if she wanted to do the laundry. She told him not at the moment because she was studying. So the husband went to bed. When the wife was done and finally went to bed she told her husband that she was ready to do the laundry and he replied, sorry honey it was a small load so he did it by hand.

Joke: A man gets a new job as a salesman. The place he's working at sells a little of everything. At the end of the day the owner walks up to him and asks the man how he did? The man tells the owner he made one sale all day. The owner kind of frowns and tells the man that most of the salesmen are getting around 10 sales a day and he'll need to step it up if he wants to make it as a salesman. The owner starts to walk away and then stops turns around and asks the man how much was his sale for? The man answers $145,000. "Jeez", the owner says, "That's the biggest sale we've ever had for one sale. What the hell did you sell?" " Well first I sold him some hooks and lures. Then he didn't have a fishing pole so I showed him our rods and a reels. Then he thought it would be nice to be out on the lake so I showed him the boat and he bought it then he realized he needed a truck to pull it so he bought the Ford F250 we had in the back." "You sold him all that because he wanted to look at some hooks?" "Oh hell no. He came in looking for some tampons and I told him well your weekend's fucked you might as well go fishing."

Joke: A woman gets a new job in a different city and state. She arrives 4 or 5 days early to get settled in. Her new job rented her an upstairs studio apartment. It was the third building from the corner. There was a tavern on  the corner bottom floor. She had quit drinking over 9 years ago due to some problem caused from drinking alcohol. Each night when she would lay down she could hear how much fun all the people in the tavern were having. She didn't start her new job till Monday so Saturday after dinner she decided to go check out the tavern. When she walked in the bartender asked her what she wanted to drink. She couldn't think of any types of beer so she asked what they had on tap. The bartender started naming beers when he got to Shlitz she spoke up and said Yes, I will have a Shlitz. She told him to make sure she only had one. Four hours later she finally finished her beer and asked for another Shlitz. The bartender reminded her she said only one but she assured him she was fine to have another. Half way through her second beer she passed out on the floor. Nobody knew her and the bartender did not know what to do with her so he put her on the cot in the back room. After the bar closed he went in the back room to count the till and remembered about the girl. Her legs were spread and her skirt was hiked up and the bartender made a comment to her about it but she pulled him down on her and they had sex. Afterwards she passed out again. He couldn't wake her so he sat her down by the backdoor and left. Next night when she walked into the bar the bartender asked her if she wanted a Shlitz and she said yes. She told him to PLEASE make sure she only had one because she couldn't remember a thing about last night. Nothing? He asked her. Not a thing . She replied. Well the exact same thing happened that night but only he told a couple of his buddies to hang after they closed.

Joke: What do happy meals and happy women have in common?

Joke: Did you hear about the new Anti-Gravity book ?

Joke: One night Billy walks into his favorite bar in Tennessee and an outsider from out of town was boistfully telling jokes and making fun of people from Tennessee. The man was clearly upsetting a lot of people so Billy asked the man his name and the man answered Jim. Billy asked Jim if he knew the four types of orgasms women have in Tennessee. When Jim answered no, Billy said: "well, I'll tell you Jimbo. The first type of orgasm a woman has in Tennessee is the regular orgasm. That's where she screams 'oh yes, oh yes'. Now Jim the second type of orgasm a woman has in Tennessee is the holy orgasm. That's where she screams, 'oh God, oh God'. Jim, the third type of orgasm a woman has in Tennessee is the unexpected. That's where she screams, 'oh shit, oh shit'. You listening Jim because the fourth type of orgasm a woman has in Tennessee is the fake orgasm. That's where the woman screams, 'oh Jim, oh Jim'."

Joke: The big bad wolf sneaks up behind the horny Little Red Riding Hood and tells her they're going to have sex. She reaches in her picnic basket and pulls out a gun and says, "no, you're not you're going to eat me just like the book says".

Joke: If you had sex every single day for a year and used a condom every time and at the end of the year you turn those used condoms into a tire, what would you call the tire?

Joke: What do you get when you cross Federal Express and UPS?

Joke: The big bad wolf kidnaps Little Red Riding Hood and tells her he's going to rape her. She reaches in her picnic basket and pulls out a gun and says no you're not you're going to eat me just like the book says.

Joke: Three expecting fathers all rushed their wives to the hospital. All three men are very nervous and strike up a conversation when the doctor comes in and says, Mr. Jones your wife just had twins. All three men look at each other a bit surprised because in conversation Mr. Jones told them he worked for the Minnisota Twins. Ten minutes later the doctor comes in and says, Mr. Smith your wife just had triplets. The two remaining men are surprised because in conversation Mr. Smith told them he worked for the 3M Corp. Before Mr. Smith and the doctor leave the room the third man, Mr. Wilson passes out and falls to the floor. When he comes to the doctor asks him what happened and Mr. Wilson said, You don't understand doc, I just started working for the 7 Up bottling company.

Joke: Redneck shopping list: Taters Zoo keenie Yeller skeewash Q cumber Butt her Refride beenz Apel jew sss Can D Stake Watt her

Joke: The redneck word of the day is: Handsome

Joke: The redneck word of the day is: Focus

Joke: The redneck word of the day is: Bofus

Joke: The redneck word of the day is: Defense

Joke: The redneck word of the day is: Tumor

Joke: The redneck word of the day is: Cauterize

Joke: The redneck word of the day is: Nascar

Joke: A man walks into a restaurant. A waitress recognizes him as a bum who rarely has any money. She confronts the man by asking him what does he want. He asks her how much is a cup of coffee and she tells him $0.99. Next he asks her how much is a refill and she tells him that refills are free. So the bum asks, "Can I please have a refill?"

Joke: A husband comes home from work one night and his wife tells him that the kitchen sink is leaking and asks if he can fix it. The husband asks her, "Do I look like Mr. fucking Plumber?" She says, "No". So he tells her to call a fucking plumber and have him fix it. The next day he comes home she tells him that the washing machine is broken and asks if he can fix it. He asks her if he looks like the fucking Maytag man and she says no so he tells her to call the fucking Maytag man and have him fix it. The next day when he gets home she tells him that the car is broken and asks if he can fix it. He asks her if he looks like fucking Mr. Goodwrench and she says no so he tells her to call Mr. fucking Goodwrench and have him fix it. The next day when he gets home the sink is fixed, the washing machine is fixed and the car is fixed. He tells her, "Great job honey, you did it!" And she says, "well,... not exactly." He asks her what does she mean by that and she says that this morning when she was trying to get the car started the neighbor boy saw her and asked if he could help. After he fixed the car so quickly she asked him if he knew how to fix washing machines or sinks. He took a look and saw what was needed. She drove him to the parts stores, came back, and he fixed them. "That's GREAT", the husband told her and asked what did they owe him. She said that he told her she could either bake him a cake or give him a blow job. The husband asked what kind of cake did she bake him so she said, "do I look like Betty fucking Crocker?"

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Joke: The valiant knight offered his honor. The fair maiden honored his offer. So all through the night it was honor and offer.

Joke: Gomer Pyle and Betty Lou,... are out on a date at the County Fair. They are walking side by side when Gomer asks, Betty Lou can I hold your hand? And she says, I don't know Gomer. And he says, Oh come on Betty Lou and she says, Well, OK Gomer. And they walked holding hands. As the night went on Gomer asks, Betty Lou can I kiss you? And she says, I don't know Gomer. And he says, Oh come on Betty Lou and she says, Well, OK Gomer. And they kissed. Gomer drove her home and they kissed a little more. Gomer asks, Betty Lou can I put my finger in your belly button? And she says, I don't know Gomer. And he says, Oh come on Betty Lou and she says, Well, OK Gomer. Pretty soon Betty Lou yells out, GOMER THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON and he says, Well surprise,  surprise, that's not my finger either!

Joke: An atheist is swimming in the ocean and stops to get his bearings. He looks at all the people on the beach, the waves breaking, etc. and suddenly gets an eerie feeling. He turns to look out towards the ocean and sees a fin coming straight at him. The mouth opens up and he sees it's a shark with razor sharp teeth. He turns and looks how far the shore is away. He knows he can't outswim the shark. It gets closer and closer. At the last moment in a panic he yells out, " Oh God, please help me." God hears him and freezes time. He floats down to the atheist and says, "You don't even believe in me why should I help you?" And the man replies, "No I don't. The man looks at how far away the shore is and how sharp the shark's teeth are. He then gets an idea and says to God, " I know God can you make the shark believe in you?" God says, "Sure." Then floats back up to heaven and unfreezes time. The shark continue swimming up to the atheist and stops. It looks up to heaven and folds its fins and then says, "Lord thank you for this meal I am about to receive, amen!"

Joke: Centuries ago in Africa 3 men discover the burial ground of an African tribe. Late one night, the 3 men get caught by the tribesmen looting the burial ground. The 3 men are tied up and surrounded by the tribe until the chief shows up the next day to render their punishment. When the chief shows up he asks the first man, "Death or baguanna?" The man asks the chief, "What's baguanna?" And the chief replies, "Death or baguanna?" The man does not want to die so he chooses baguanna. Every tribesman butt fucks the man and they let him go. The chief asks the second man, "Death or baguanna?"   The man says to himself, "Oh my God, I don't want to die." So he chooses baguanna. Same thing happens to him and they let him go. Chief asks the third man, "Death or baguanna?" The man looks at the entire tribe flipping them all off and says, "Fuck you mother fuckers. No one's fucking me in the ass." So he tells the chief, "l choose death." The chief then says, "O.K. death by baguanna."

Joke: Mike Tyson walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender sees them and says, "Hey that's cool where did you get that?" The parrot answers, "Africa, there's freaking millions of them."

Joke: Do you know how copper wire was invented?

Joke: A man in his early 30's boards a flight from New York to L.A. and is seated next to a woman in her early 30's. Both are attracted to each other and start up a conversation. The two of them lol together when they find out they are exactly the same age being born on the same day, month and year. The woman suddenly remembers she had breast implants and had not pumped them up for over a week. Embarrassed and wanting to impress the man she excuses herself to go to the restroom. In the bath room she quickly checks her hair and make-up while flopping her arms like a chicken to pump her breasts up. The man remembers he had an operation to help enhance himself so when she leaves he quickly checks his breath while pumping the size of his penis up by squeezing his legs together several times. They hit it off so well, 1 year later they get married. 7 years into the marrage the man is on his way home from working late and calls his wife and says, "Hey honey, for my birthday present tonight, how about we do that thing I like to do?" And she replies, "Hey honey, for my birthday present tonight, how about we don't."

Joke: At school, when little Johny sees little Suzy he asks her if she'll climb the flag pole. When she tells him "No", he offers her $1 to climb it. She says "Yes". That night she tells her mother how she made $1 today by climbing the flag pole for little Johny. Her mother tells her not to do it again because all little Johny wants to do is see her underwear. Next day same thing happens. But when little Johny asks her to climb it for $1 and she says "No", he offers her $2 and she says "Yes". Again, she tells her mother this time how she made $2 climbing the flag pole. Her mother yells at her and tells her not to do it again because all little Johny wants to do is see her underwear. Next day same thing happens. But when little Johny offers her $1 to climb it and she says "No", he offers her $2 again but she still says "No". This time he offers her $5 and she says "Yes". Again, she tells her mother this time how she made $5 climbing the flag pole. "That's it!" Her mother yells at her and tells her and now she's in big trouble. She says, "wait, mommy this time I tricked him". Her mother asks her how and she tells her this time she didn't wear any underwear!

Joke:  Little Johny and little Suzi are playing in the woods. They both have to pee so little Johny unzips and whips it out and starts peeing at the same time little Suzi reaches under her dress and pulls her panties down, squats, and starts peeing. Little Johny looks at little Suzy and asks her where her thing is. At the same time she is asking him what is that thing sticking out from him. That night after dinner, both ask their parents about it. The next day they are playing out in the woods and little Johny has to pee. He unzips and pulls it out and says, "My daddy told me what this is." Little Suzy asks what and he replies, "My daddy told me that with one of these (pointing at his penis) I can get one of those (pointing at her crotch). Little Suzy tells him, "Aw that's nothin. My mommy told me that with one of these (pointing at her crotch) I can get as many of those as I want (pointing at his penis).

Joke: A man and a woman are soon to be married. The day before the wedding the groom to be is nervous because he is embarrassed about the small size of his penis.  He drives to a sex store and buys a nice size dildo. The next day the couple gets married, has a reception and after the last guest leaves, they drive to their hotel room to have sex for the very first time. When they get there the husband tells the wife that they have to have sex in the dark. "What?" She says but he finally convinces her. So14 years later they are still having sex in the dark untill one night the wife flips on the light and catches him using the dildo on her and she says, "Hey AssHole, what's up with the dildo?" And he replies, "Hey Bitch, what's up with the kids?"

Joke: This little girl showers with her mother every day. One day, the curious girl asks her mother what that is between her mother's legs. She tells her it's her beaver. When the mother goes on vacation the girl stays with her grandmother and also showers with her. When the mother gets back and they are taking a shower, the girl says, "mommy I think grandma's beaver is dead". The mother asks her why she would ever say that and she tells her because its tongue is hanging out.

Joke: Do you know why they outlawed the "wave" at Prineville and La Pines school sports events? (You can use names of your local towns.)

Joke: 1,000,000 seconds = approx 11.5 days Add 3 more zero's to change 1 million to 1 billion. (Its only 3 more zero's right?) 1,000,000,000 seconds = approx 31.7 years. Now add 3 more zero's changing 1 billion into 1 trillion. (Its only 3 more zero's right?) 1,000,000,000,000 seconds = approx 31.7 thousand years. Now you know.

Joke: Mickey Mouse wants a divorce from Mini Mouse. The divorce lawyer tells Mickey that he cant just divorce Mini on the grounds that she's crazy. Mickey replies, " I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."

Joke: We have the best place to take a leak in town.

Joke: I work for Camel Towing.

Joke: He ran over himself.

Joke: He had this one night stand.

Joke: My Dixie Wrecked!

Joke: A man and a woman are getting married. The night before the wedding the groom to be is nervous because he is embarrassed about the small size of his penis.  He drives to a sex store and buys a nice size dildo. The next day the couple gets married, has a reception and after the last guest leaves, they drive to their hotel room to have sex for the very first time. When they get there the husband tells the wife that they have to have sex in the dark. "What?" She says but he finally convinces her. So14 years later they are still having sex in the dark untill one night the wife flips on the light and catches him using the dildo on her and she says, "Hey AssHole, what's up with the dildo?" And he replies, "Hey Bitch, what's up with the kids?"

Joke: (First, find the person you want to play this joke on. Let's call him Jim. Second, try to do it when there are others around.)             He hee! ----------*----------------☆--------------*---------    Ask Jim if he knows the 4 types of orgasms women have. When he finally gives up and admits he does not know, tell him this: The 1st type is the regular orgasm. That's where she screams, "Oh Yes, oh yes." The 2nd type is the Holy orgasm. That's where she screams, "Oh God, oh God." The 3rd type is the unexpected orgasm. That's where she screams, "Oh Shit, oh shit." And the 4th type is the fake orgasm. That's where she screams, "Oh Jim, oh Jim."

Joke: How do billboards communicate?

Joke: What word is better for a pizza than a woman?

Joke: What word is better for a woman than a pizza?

Joke: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a Vampire

Joke: What did God say when he saw Eve taking a bath in the ocean?

Joke: A young couple gets married. They have their wedding and reception. When all the guests have gone, they go up to their room to have sex for the first time. Neither of them have ever had sex before so they both sit nervously on the bed. Finally the wife says okay honey, if you want to have sex with me grab my left tit but if you don't squeeze my right. This gives the new husband and idea so he says to her, ok honey, if you want to have sex with me grab my dick but if you don't, pull on it 55 times or more.

Joke: How do you piss Martha Stewart off?

Joke: What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?

Joke: Little Johnny was in class and yells out, "Hey teach, I gotta take a piss." The disgusted teacher asks her students, "Class, can anyone think of a different word to use other than the word piss?" And little Suzy raises her hand and says the word, "Urinate." The teacher says that is very good then tells little Johny that he can go to the bathroom as soon as he can use the word 'urinate' in a sentence. So he thinks about it for a moment and says, "Well teach, urinate but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10 !"

Joke: Superman was flying over the Earth protecting it when he spots Wonder Woman nude sunbathing on the top of a high-rise building. He instantly gets a huge Superman boner. After 6 hours it still won't go away. He can't go back down to the Earth with it and he's got to do something so he figures if there's any woman on earth that could take that thing it would be Wonder Woman. He flies around the earth six times getting up to supersonic speed and flies down to Wonder Woman, does his thing and is gone in less than a second. Wonder woman asks "What the hell was that?" And the Invisible Man answers, "I don't know but my ass hole sure hurts!"

Joke: Two American Indians pass each other in a grocery store parking lot. The Indian going in the store asks, "Hey what do you got ?" "I got a 12 pack of beer for my old lady." The Indian that is leaving answers.Then the Indian going in the store smiles, hits his hand on his chest and points at the other Indian and says, "Good Trade !"

Joke: How can you spot a tweeker at the grocery store?

Joke: Why do tweekers like to have sex doggy style?

Joke: What do you call someone who has been up for two weeks?

Joke: What would happen if ( say the name of some known tweeker town) "some-town-name" burnt down?

Joke: What is the slowest thing in the world?

Joke: How many tweekers does it take to change a light bulb?

Joke: What does Sex and Air have in common?

Joke: A retired couple was working in their garden for a few hours one morning. It was getting close to lunch so the husband looked around for his wife. He finally spotted her bent over next to the barbecue. With out even thinking he blurted out, "Damn honey, your arse is almost as wide as the BBQ!" As soon as he said it, he knew he was in deep trouble. During lunch he expected her to say something to him but by the time they crawled into bed that night she still had not said a thing. He figured she had just let it pass, so he asked her if she wanted to have sex. She answered, "What? You expect me to fire up this big ole arse barbecue up for that small weenie? "

Joke:   Two college kids that have never tried drugs before decide they're going to buy some on a friday night. They get caught with them and spend the weekend in jail. On Monday morning they go before the judge. They have never been in trouble before and did not have a criminal record. The judge looks them both in the eyes and asks, So I suppose you boys are trying to make a career out of doing drugs now? NO, NO we're not! They both cried out. So the judge thinks about it for a second and then says, I'm going to cut you boys a break. Here's what I want you to do. I want you both to come back in 20 days. And in 20 days time between the two of you, I want you to have found 20 of your College friends that you have talked out of doing drugs and into staying in college. Can you do that? Yes, yes your Honor. They both reply. Then one of the boys asks, How are we supposed to do that? Well I've heard of a big circle little circle method the judge answered but you'll have to go online and figure that out yourselves. Come back and see me in 20 days.(the Judge's gavel comes smacking down) When they come back 20 days later the judge asked the first kid, So how did you do?He answers, (cont. in Punch line below)

Joke: What did the two tampons say to each other?

Joke: What does a woman and an airplane have in common?

Joke: What did the fish say when it hit the wall ?

Joke: What do you call a gay female dinosaur?

Joke: What do you call a gay male dinosaur?

Joke: What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and Simba from the 'Lion King'?

Joke: Are the Tickle Me Elmo dolls male or female?

Joke: What do you call a snowboarder without a girlfriend?