Short Jokes

 

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Joke: A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."

The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"

The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"

The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."


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Joke: A little elderly lady goes to the doctor because she has been having a problem. She tells him "Doctor, lately I have been farting almost constantly. They don't bother me much because they don't smell or make noise, but it is still annoying. I've farted a hundred times since I got here, I bet you didn't know."

The doctor sends her home with some pills and she returns a week later. Angrily she tells him "Doctor! These pills you gave me have made my gas smell terrible. I don't want to take them anymore!"

The doctor smiles and replies "Great. Now that we have cleared your sinuses we can take care of that hearing problem."


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Joke: A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me.

The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"


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Joke: An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor. The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"


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Joke: Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


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