Funny Jokes

Joke: Stalin is giving a big speech when somebody sneezes, he abruptly stops, "Who was that?"

Nobody says a word. Stalin commands, "Execute the first row." The guards do so. "Now who was it?!"

Again nobody says anything. He commands, "Now the second row."

At this point a meek voice chirps, "It was me."

Stalin looks at the man and leans forward, "Bless you, comrade!"

Joke: Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"

"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."

The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."

The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

Joke: What happened when the wizard went into the gay bar?

Joke: A man is giving his son advice, "Whenever you buy something on the street, offer them half of what they want."

So the boy is our one day and wants to buy a Coke. He approaches a street vendor and asks how much. The vendor replies, "$2.56."

The boy says, "I'll give you $1.28." The vendor is outraged at first and tries to negotiate a higher price, but fails. He finally gives in, "Okay, $1."

The boy replies, "64 cents." The vendor is outraged but eventually agrees again.

This continues until the price is at 2 cents. The vendor says, "It's pointless now, just have it for free."

The boy says, "I'll take two."

Joke: How big is the average fence?