Dirty Jokes

Joke: A man invents a machine that slaps anybody who lies. He tries it out on his family at dinner. He asks his son, "Why were you so late last night getting home?"

The son replies, "I was just studying at the library." SLAP! "Fine, I was at John's house watching TV." SLAP! "Fine, porn!"

His father looks at him disgusted, "At your age I didn't even know what porn was." SLAP!

The man's wife begins to laugh, "He's definitely your son." SLAP!

Joke: A man from Tennessee takes his daughter to the doctor and tells the doctor his daughter need birth control.

The doctor asks, "How old is she?"

He replies, "15."

"And she's sexually active," the doctor asks.

The man replies, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother."

Joke: A husband takes his wife golfing for the first time. He warns her to be careful but on her first drive she sends a long drive directly to her left into a large window of a mansion. "Jeez! I told you to be careful. Let's go apologize and see how much that will cost us."

They go to the front door of the house and hear a booming voice, "Come in!" As they enter the house they see glass everywhere, a broken antique lamp, and a man sitting in a large recliner.

"We're really sorry, sir," The husband apologizes.

The man in the recliner replies, "Don't worry about it, I've been stuck in that lamp for some time. You see, I'm a genie. I have three wishes to grant. I'll give one to each of you and save the last one for myself if you don't mind. So what are your wishes?"

The husband, shocked, says, "I want ten million dollars!"

The genie says, "The money is waiting for you at your house. And you?"

The wife says, "I wish for a large house in every country with maids and servants!"

The genie closes his eyes and focuses, "Done! They are all safe and sound. Now it is time for my wish. I want to have sex with your wife."

The man and his wife look at each other shocked. The wife says, "He did give us ten million dollars and countless homes... What do you think?"

The man replies, "He's just a genie, and he did do a lot for us."

So the wife and the genie go upstairs and enjoy each other for hours. After hours of passionate lovemaking the genie rolls over, "How old are you and your husband?"

She replies, "We're both 30. It's great what you did for us."

The genie replies, "It's great that you guys are 30 years old and still believe in genies."

Joke: If you were french, why would you want a seal?

Joke: A man goes to a restaurant where he sees a sign on the wall that says: "If we can't fill your order, we'll give you $500."

So when the waitress comes to his table he orders, "I'll have rye toast with elephant dung."

The waitress writes down his order and calmly walks to the kitchen. About ten minutes later the manager storms out of the kitchen and lays out $500 on the man's table. Angry, the manager says, "Are you happy? This is the first time in ten years we haven't had rye bread!"