Dirty Jokes

Joke: A male whale sees the harpoon ship that killed his parents years ago. He quickly swims to his wife and tells her he wants to attack the harpoon ship. She tells him they will surely die but after he tells her his plan she agrees to help him.

Both of the whales get under the boat and begin to blow air bubbles at the boat. The boat starts to rock and eventually tips over. The male whale starts to eat the sailors but his wife swims away. So he asks her "Why aren't you eating them?"

She replies "I agreed to blow, but I'm not going to swallow seamen."

Joke: How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?

Joke: A man named Paddy goes to a toastmaster contest. He wins the best toast of the night with, "Here's to the last 20 years of me life, spend between me wife's legs."

When he gets home she asks him how it went and he tells her that he won. When she asks him about his toast he tells her, "I said, 'Here's to the last 20 years of me life, spend at the church and with my wife'."

She smiles and kisses him on the cheek.

A few days later she is at the grocery store and sees one of the other men at the competition. He tells her, "You're husband she did give a beautiful speech."

She replies, "He wasn't being completely honest. He's only been there twice since I've known him. He fell asleep one of the times and the other time I have to pull him by the ear to get him to come."

Joke: Interviewer: What would you say was your greatest weakness?
Interviewee: Honesty.
Interviewer: I wouldn't call honesty a weakness.
Interviewee: Honestly, I don't give a fuck what you think.

Joke: How do you get a really fat girl into your bed?