Dirty Jokes

Joke: A man invents a machine that slaps anybody who lies. He tries it out on his family at dinner. He asks his son, "Why were you so late last night getting home?"

The son replies, "I was just studying at the library." SLAP! "Fine, I was at John's house watching TV." SLAP! "Fine, porn!"

His father looks at him disgusted, "At your age I didn't even know what porn was." SLAP!

The man's wife begins to laugh, "He's definitely your son." SLAP!

Joke: A man walks into a bar and grabs a menu:

Hamburger $5

Beer $5

Handjob $5

A gorgeous waitress walks up to take his order and he asks her, "Are you the ones giving the handjobs?"

She licks her lips and replies, "Yes."

He puts a $5 bill on the table and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a burger!"

Joke: Why's an abortion clinic the worst place to lock your keys in your car?

Joke: What three words does no woman want to hear during sex?

Joke: An old man is sitting on his porch and sees a young boy walking by with some chicken wire. He yells to him, "What are you doing boy?"

The boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!"

The man replies, "I don't think it works that way!"

A few hours later the boy walks by again with a ton of chickens strung along the wire.

The next day the boy walks by with a roll of duct tape and the old man yells to him, "What are you doing?"

The boy replies, "I'm gonna get some ducks!"

The old man yells back, "I don't think that's how it works!"

But sure enough he walks by a few hours later with a ton of ducks.

The next day the boy walks by the old man's house with a stick with a fuzzy thing at the end.

The old man yells to him, "What do you have there?!"

The boy yells back, "I've got some pussy willow!"

The old man yells back, "Wait! Let me get my shoes!"