Dirty Jokes

Joke: One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman. While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, "Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"

The priest looks at the fisherman and says, "Please mind your language."

The fisherman replies, "Oh... No father, that's the name of a fish. It's a sonofabitch."

The priest heads back to the church. On his way he sees the bishop and addresses him, "Look at the sonofabitch I just caught at the pier!"

The bishop replies, "Father! You are in the house of the lord!"

The priest says, "Oh no! That's the name of the fish, it's a sonofabitch."

The bishop replies, "Oh, if you give me it I can clean it and have Mother Superior cook it for our dinner with the pope."

He cleans the fish and brings it to Mother Superior, "Can you cook this sonofabitch."

She replies, "Why I never! What language for a bishop!"

The bishop tells her, "No, that's the name of the fish. Can you cook it for our dinner with the pope?"

She agrees and makes it up for their dinner with the pope. They sit down with the pope and he takes one bite, "This is wonderful! What is it?"

The priest says, "I caught that sonofabitch."

The bishop says, "I cleaned that sonofabitch."

Mother Superior says, "And I cooks that sonofabitch."

The pope gives them all a blank stare for a moment, takes off his hat, puts it on the table, and says, "You fuckers are alright."

Joke: A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom. The pharmacy asks him "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

The duck says "What kind of duck do you think I am?"

Joke: A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Joke: Last night I went to a bar and picked up a girl. We went to her place and things started to get hot and heavy. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it. But then we heard somebody at the front door, "Oh shit, it's my boyfriend. You have to use the backdoor, hurry."

I thought I should probably leave at this point, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

Joke: Tom and Jenna have been having problems in bed so Jenna confides in one of her friends, Sally. Sally tells Jenna, "You should go see my sex therapist. Me and John were having issues and he told us to buy donuts and grapes. I eat the doughnut off of John's penis and he uses his tongue to eat the grapes out of me. Ever since, our sex life has been better than ever."

So Tom and Jenna go to see the sex therapist. When they arrive the secretary tells them to strip down and wait in his office. When the therapist arrives he turns around and tells them, "I can't help you."

Jenna yells back, "Wait! Can't you just give us the same advice you gave John and Sally?"

He says, "Okay, on your way home buy some life savers and a coconut."