Dirty Jokes

Joke: A man and his wife have a big argument. She yells at him and tells him to get out.

He grabs his stuff and starts to walk out the door and she yells to him, "I hope you have a slow painful death bastard!"

He yells back to her, "Now you want me to stay?!"

Joke: A man calls home, "Hi honey, is mommy there?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle John."

"But you don't have an Uncle John... Go up there, knock on the door, and yell, 'Daddy's home!' Okay honey?"

"Okay," she sets down the phone and goes to her mother's door and yells what she was told. "Okay I did it."

"And what happened?"

"Mommy jumped out of bed naked, tripped, and now she's not moving. Uncle John jumped out of the window into the pool, and now he's not moving."

Very long pause

"Wait... Pool? Is this 555-5598?"

Joke: A man is about to go on a long trip so he decides to get his wife a treat from the sex shop. The owner shows him a 'magic dildo.' All you do is say 'magic dildo' then where you want it to go to work and it starts working (For example, 'magic dildo, my wife's vagina'). The man buys it and rushes home.

He is so excited he speeds home and gets stopped by a cop. He explains to the cop that he was speeding because of the magic dildo. The cop looks at him skeptically and says, "Magic dildo my ass!"

Joke: One morning a boy living on a farm was rudely awoken by his mother, "You don't get to eat breakfast until you finish all of your chores!"

One of his chores was to feed all of the animals. While he was feeding the animals he took his anger out on them. He kicked the pig, punted the chicken, and hit the cow.

When he was done with his chores he sat down for breakfast and his mom brought him a bowl of dry cereal. She told him, "You hit the cow so you don't get any milk. You punted the chicken so you don't get any eggs. You kicked the pig so you don't get any bacon."

Suddenly his father entered the kitchen and tripped over the cat. He got extremely angry and threw the cat out. The boy looked at his mom and said, "Do you want to tell him or should I?"

Joke: A man boards a train and discovers that he is sitting next to the pope. He sits down but is way to shy to speak. He notices that the pope is doing a crossword puzzle and gets excited because he is very good at crossword puzzles.

Sure enough, the pope asks him for help a few minutes later, "What is a four letter word for a woman that ends with u-n-t?"

The man quickly responds, "I think you're looking for the word 'Aunt'."

The pope replies, "Oh! Of course... Do you have an eraser?"