Dirty Jokes

Joke: One day Tom sees Joe's wife naked sunbathing in their backyard. When Tom sees Joe he brags "I've seen your wife naked."

To get back at him Joe sneaks into Tom's yard the next night and sees his wife performing oral sex. Joe sees Tom a couple of days later and tells him "Guess what? I saw your wife giving you oral a couple of days ago."

Tom laughs and replies "Good try, I wasn't in town a couple of days ago!"

Joke: A man and woman get married and she quickly learns how controlling he is. Immediately he tells her "I'm going to tell you right now; I will get home whenever I want, I expect dinner to be ready everyday when I get home, and I will go drink with my friends whenever I want."

She looks at him and tells him "Okay, I'm going to tell you right now; there is going to be sex here every night at 7 O'clock whether you are here or not."

Joke: Mrs. Smith, a first grade teacher, is trying to teach her kids how to identify various animals. First is a cheetah so she tells them "This cat has lots of spots." One of the kids guesses "A cheetah!" Next is an elephant so she tells them "This animal is huge and has a trunk." One of the kids says "A elephant!" The final animal is a deer but she can't think of any clues. Finally she tells them "This is what your mommy might call your daddy." One of the kids says "Horny bastard!"

Joke: A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary. They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love.

He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than you were when we started to date!"

She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago!"

Joke: A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"