Who do I look like?

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Joke: A husband comes home from work one night and his wife tells him that the kitchen sink is leaking and asks if he can fix it. The husband asks her, "Do I look like Mr. fucking Plumber?" She says, "No". So he tells her to call a fucking plumber and have him fix it. The next day he comes home she tells him that the washing machine is broken and asks if he can fix it. He asks her if he looks like the fucking Maytag man and she says no so he tells her to call the fucking Maytag man and have him fix it. The next day when he gets home she tells him that the car is broken and asks if he can fix it. He asks her if he looks like fucking Mr. Goodwrench and she says no so he tells her to call Mr. fucking Goodwrench and have him fix it. The next day when he gets home the sink is fixed, the washing machine is fixed and the car is fixed. He tells her, "Great job honey, you did it!" And she says, "well,... not exactly." He asks her what does she mean by that and she says that this morning when she was trying to get the car started the neighbor boy saw her and asked if he could help. After he fixed the car so quickly she asked him if he knew how to fix washing machines or sinks. He took a look and saw what was needed. She drove him to the parts stores, came back, and he fixed them. "That's GREAT", the husband told her and asked what did they owe him. She said that he told her she could either bake him a cake or give him a blow job. The husband asked what kind of cake did she bake him so she said, "do I look like Betty fucking Crocker?"


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Joke: Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"


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Joke: Sally has been feeling harassed by one of her coworkers, John. She tells her employer that he has been harassing her and he asks her, "What does he do?"

She says, "He always tells me my hair smells nice."

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Sally says, "He's three feet tall."


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Joke: A man driving down the road slams on his breaks and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road. He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You were the only one with brakes!"


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Joke: Three guys are hanging out at one of their houses when a terrible storm starts. It's so bad that they can't leave the house all night. So they decide to go to bed, the only problem is that there is only one large bed so they all have to share it.

When they wake up the next morning the guy who slept on the right says, "I had the best dream, a beautiful woman was giving me a handjob."

Next the guy who slept on the left side says, "That's weird, I had a dream where I was getting a handjob from a sexy lady."

The last guy, the one in the middle, frowns and says, "I had a dream I was skiing."


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Joke: What's the best part about a gypsy on her period?


Punch line: You get your palm red for free.


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