Dirty Jokes

Joke: Tom and John are hanging out. Tom asks John, "It's fuckin' freezin' in here. Can you get me my fuckin' slippers?"

John goes upstairs to get the slippers and he comes across Tom's hot 21-year-old twin sisters. He tells them, "Your brother told me to have sex with both of you."

One of the sisters replies, "Prove it!"

John yells downstairs, "Tom! Both of them?!."

Tom yells back, "Of course! What's the point of fuckin' one?!."

Joke: How does a wife know if her husband has a high sperm count?

Joke: While Mrs. Jones is cooking dinner she sees that the cookie jar is open and that it is wet and sticky. She goes to her husband and asks him about it. He says he has no idea. Then she walks into her son little Billy's room. She is shocked to see him eating cookies with condoms on his hands.

"Why do you have condoms on your hands!?" she asked him.

He looks at her and says, "I heard daddy on the phone. He said when he uses them you never catch him!"

Joke: A man, his wife, and his son all go to a nude beach. Naturally, the young son has lots of questions. He runs to his father, "Dad! Dad! All of the women have these things hanging from their chests!"

His father tells him, "Son, those are breasts. The women with large ones are dumb and the small ones are smart."

Soon after the son comes running again, "Mom! Mom! All of the guys have these things dangling between their legs!"

The mom replies, "Those are called penis'. The men with the big ones are dumb and the men with small ones are smart."

A little bit later the son runs up to his mom and asks her, "Mom! Mom! Is being dumb contagious? Dad is talking to a really dumb lady and he keeps getting dumber and dumber."

Joke: A man is walking down the road and another man runs up to him and asks him, "Do you want to see my talking ducks?"

The man, not wanting to be rude, decides to take a look.

When they arrive at the farm the man looks at one of the ducks and asks, "Hey little buddy, how's your day going?"

The duck replies, "Pretty good, I've just been in and out of puddles all day."

The man is amazed by the talking duck and asks the next one how his day has been. The duck replies, "Pretty good, I've just been in and out of puddles all day."

Stunned, the man asks a third duck the same question. The duck replies, "Shitty."

The man asks him, "Why is that?"

The duck replies, "I'm puddles."