Short Jokes

 

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Joke: A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."


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Joke: One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifle. The man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle. "Oh yes," the clerk said. "I'm not a very good shot but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my day, even did some big game hunting with my brother in law." To which the man responded "No way! Did you get anything?" "I sure did, we were in the African jungle when we suddenly stumbled upon a monstrous crocodile. He was a mean one too. With scars all over his face this was surely one bad croc. My brother in law said he wanted to wrestle it and take a picture afterward. So he crept right up to it, until they were face to face, nose to nose, eye to eye, tooth to tooth. The giant croc stretched its massive jaws preparing to take a bite out of my brother in law. Naturally I couldn't let that happen so I raised my rifle and shot him, shot him right between the eyes." "Amazing" said the man. "Yeah and I had this fancy belt made after I got back to our camp." "Oh wow! So the belt is genuine crocodile skin?"


Punch line: "No, genuine brother in law"


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Joke: A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way. The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"

One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?"

The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, "Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?"

The lady, taken back, replies, "Well.. No... I thought..."

He interrupts her, "Did you also know my sister's husband left her and their two kids without a penny?"

Still stuttering she replies, "Um... Oh my...."

"And my brother lost his legs in the war," The lawyer continues. At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren't saying a word. Then he finishes, "If they don't get a cent, do you expect to?"


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Joke: At school, when little Johny sees little Suzy he asks her if she'll climb the flag pole. When she tells him "No", he offers her $1 to climb it. She says "Yes". That night she tells her mother how she made $1 today by climbing the flag pole for little Johny. Her mother tells her not to do it again because all little Johny wants to do is see her underwear. Next day same thing happens. But when little Johny asks her to climb it for $1 and she says "No", he offers her $2 and she says "Yes". Again, she tells her mother this time how she made $2 climbing the flag pole. Her mother yells at her and tells her not to do it again because all little Johny wants to do is see her underwear. Next day same thing happens. But when little Johny offers her $1 to climb it and she says "No", he offers her $2 again but she still says "No". This time he offers her $5 and she says "Yes". Again, she tells her mother this time how she made $5 climbing the flag pole. "That's it!" Her mother yells at her and tells her and now she's in big trouble. She says, "wait, mommy this time I tricked him". Her mother asks her how and she tells her this time she didn't wear any underwear!


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Joke: The classroom was silent. Mrs Smith was handing out to students their last homework sheet. As she did it, she wrote the word plenipotentiary on the whiteboard. Then she turned around and said, " Attention boys and girls. This word is almost hardest English word in the world. So, your job is to put this word into a sentence. I'll give you an example for flower. "In the middle of the circle was a large teardrop shaped flower garden". You see? Nice and easy. Now, whoever made a sentence for the word plenipotentiary, there will be no homework for a month for him or her. So, start now. PLENIPOTENTIARY." Nobody seemed to do it but a boy called Darrell ( Stupidest kid in the classroom) far in the back raised his hand. Everybody stared at him and opened their mouth. Even Mrs Smith. " Oh Darrell, don't tell me you got it. I mean it is impossible for you to get the right answer for easy questions in the first place." Mrs Smith embarrassed him. Nearly everyone laughed. " No Miss, I actually got it. So here it goes, " In the classroom, the teacher shouted out the word plenipotentiary." " Darrell replied. Later, he went home knowing that he don't have to do homework for a month.


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