Short Jokes

Joke: A grandmother gives her grandson directions, "Once you get to the building open the door with your elbows. Once you get to the elevator his the up button with your elbow. I'm on the third floor so you're going to have to his the number 3 on the elevator with your elbow. Then once you get off I'm the first to the left, just hit the doorbell with your elbow."

The grandson replies, "That sounds easy enough, but why with my elbows?"

The grandmother says, "Oh... So you're going to be open handed?"

Joke: Little Johnny was in class and yells out, "Hey teach, I gotta take a piss." The disgusted teacher asks her students, "Class, can anyone think of a different word to use other than the word piss?" And little Suzy raises her hand and says the word, "Urinate." The teacher says that is very good then tells little Johny that he can go to the bathroom as soon as he can use the word 'urinate' in a sentence. So he thinks about it for a moment and says, "Well teach, urinate but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10 !"

Joke: There are three men in a truck driving in a desert. Their names are Manners, Poo, and Shut Up.

Poo falls out of the truck but nobody notices. They finally stop at a gas station and Manners goes back to look for Poo while Shut Up waits at the station.

A policeman approaches Shut Up and asks "What's your name?" He replies "Shut Up." The policeman asks again "What's your name?!" He replies "Shut Up!" Annoyed, the policeman asks "Where are your manners?"

He replies "Gone picking up Poo."

Joke: Three men were told by God, " If you step on a duck, you shall marry the ugliest woman. However, if you do not step on a duck, you shall marry the most beautiful woman in all the land." The three men accepted. The first man stepped on a duck from not paying attention. The second man accidentally stepped on a duck in his son's room. The third man never stepped on a duck yet he was married to an ugly woman. He exclaims to God, "I have not stepped on a duck, why is my wife ugly?" Why has God given him an ugly wife?

Joke: A church puts out a wanted ad for somebody to ring their bell each day. A man with no arms replies to the want ad. The priest asks him "How can you ring a bell with no arms?"

The man runs into the bell face first and the bell rings loud and beautifully. The priest gives him the job. One day he misses the bell though and falls to his death. The priest and several other people come to the man's side and one of them says "Who is he?"

The priest replies "I don't know. But his face sure rings a bell."