Long Jokes

Joke: A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."

Joke: An atheist is swimming in the ocean and stops to get his bearings. He looks at all the people on the beach, the waves breaking, etc. and suddenly gets an eerie feeling. He turns to look out towards the ocean and sees a fin coming straight at him. The mouth opens up and he sees it's a shark with razor sharp teeth. He turns and looks how far the shore is away. He knows he can't outswim the shark. It gets closer and closer. At the last moment in a panic he yells out, " Oh God, please help me." God hears him and freezes time. He floats down to the atheist and says, "You don't even believe in me why should I help you?" And the man replies, "No I don't. The man looks at how far away the shore is and how sharp the shark's teeth are. He then gets an idea and says to God, " I know God can you make the shark believe in you?" God says, "Sure." Then floats back up to heaven and unfreezes time. The shark continue swimming up to the atheist and stops. It looks up to heaven and folds its fins and then says, "Lord thank you for this meal I am about to receive, amen!"

Joke: All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge:

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
,br/> What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

Joke: A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, "I'm sorry... But your pig is dead."

The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."

The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.

The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.

The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on." The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.

The woman is again outraged, "$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"

The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."

Joke: A boy named Juan found a book named "You're Bad!" now he showed it to his family. Juan:Father look! I found this book,"You're Bad!" Father:How dare you call me that! After I made all sacrifices to you, you're just gonna call me bad?! Get out! Now Juan showed it to his mother Juan:Mother! I found this cool book in the woods,"You're Bad" Mother:Juan! How could you say that? CLEAN THE ROOM! After Juan cleaned the room, he showed to his 5 years old brother, Pedro Juan:Pedro! I found this book,"You're Bad!" But father and mother got angry. Pedro:What did I just Heard? Did you just told me I'm bad? Brother, I always made you happy and we play joyfully then you're just gonna tell me I'm bad? How dare you! Juan:But Pedro... Pedro:Oops! I'm never gonna talk to you again! Hmmm, what a sad story. Anyways I have a question! What's the name of the book? Listeners to the story:"You're Bad! Narrator:What on Earth! After telling you guys a story you're gonna call me bad? Well then, I'll never gonna tell you guys a story again! Thank you!!!