Long Jokes

Joke: An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer. Just before he dies he tells them, "I know most people say that you can't bring money with you after you die, but I want you to all throw this into my grave just as they are about to bury me." With this being said he hands them all envelopes with $50,000 in them.

After his funeral the three are discussing the money. The doctor says, "I have to confess something. I've really been wanting a vacation so I only threw $40,000 in."

The priest follows, "I must also confess. We are renovating the church so I only threw in $25,000. I feel terrible."

The lawyer lashes out at them, "You guys are terrible! Not only did I throw in the $50,000 he gave me, but I added my own $10,000."

The doctor replies, "Why in the world would you give that greedy man your money?"

The lawyer replies, "He was a good man so I wrote him a check for the full amount."

Joke: A lady had a son, and she named him "Butt Itches". A few years later he had his first day of school. The teacher went around the room asking everyone to state their name...when it came round to "Butt Itches". The teacher asked "What is your name?" He replied "Butt Itches". At first she thought this was a joke so she decided asked again. "What Is your name?" He replied with the same answer, "...Butt Itches". The Teacher, who was now furious, asked once more and added, "If you don't tell me your name I'm going to spank you and send you to the principal." And again he replied with the same answer, "Butt Itches". The teacher spanked him and took him to the principal. Where he was asked three times what his name was, and all three times the reply was still, "Butt Itches". Then the principal also became furious and spanked Butt Itches, but the principal spanked Butt Itches too hard and he died. At the funeral his mom said, "Oh, my poor Butt Itches". And the preacher said "Well, scratch it."

Joke: Two men are walking by a restaurant and one of them says, "That smells amazing! Lets get something."

The other man replies, "But they don't let dogs in, what are we going to do with them."

The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, "Follow my lead."

He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, "You cannot bring dogs in here sir."

The man gets offended, "Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I am blind."

The waiter questions this, "But your dog is a pit bull?"

The man replies, "I know, I am a very important person, I need protection as well."

The first man passes through and the second man begins to walk through when the waiter stops him and asks him the same question. The man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog too."

The waiter replies, "Really? A chihuahua?"

The man freaks out, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!"

Joke: One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Joke: A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."

"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."

He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.

"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.

She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.

He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"

She hands him 5 dollars.