Funny Jokes

Joke: Two blondes are hanging out and one of them pulls out a make up mirror. She is stunned saying "There's a face in there. She looks so familiar."

Her friend grabs the mirror, looks in it, and says "You're such an idiot. That's me!"

Joke: A doctor is extremely unlucky one week and loses three patients. Angry, the doctor decides to call death, but to her surprise, is put on hold. After a lengthy wait death answers the phone, "Thank you for your patients!"

Joke: A man and his wife are driving down the road as the wife says, "I want a divorce."

The man says nothing, just speeds up slightly.

The woman continues, "That's not all. I'm taking the house, the car, the kids, and the bank account."

The man remains a statue, only speeding up a little.

The woman, getting angry, yells at him, "Don't you have anything to say?"

The man replies, "Nope. I have everything I need."

The woman asks him, "What do you have?"

Just as they are about to slam into a tree going 100 MPH the man yells, "The airbag bitch!"

Joke: A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."

Joke: Police Officer Nico receives a call from his chief. His chief tells him "Nico. I'm sorry but you're going to have to arrest your mother."

Nico starts to reply "Chief-" but is interrupted by his chief.

"Nico, I know it's hard, but it's part of the job."

Nico pauses and replies "Sir, I was just going to ask for backup."