Funny Jokes

Joke: Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

Joke: A man wakes up on his 33rd birthday on the 3rd day of the third month to notice the clock is stuck at 3:33. He opens up the newspaper and notices in the sports section (page 3) horse #3 in the 3rd race of the day is running 33 to 1 odds.

He takes all of his life savings ($33,333.33) out of the bank and bets it on the horse.

To his surprise, it comes in 3rd.

Joke: Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a darn good thing, cause he sure as heck can't wear glasses!"

Joke: A motorist is speeding down the road when he is pulled over. The officer tells him, "Sir do you realize how fast you were going?"

The motorist replies, "Yeah I know, but I have to go."

The cop interrupts him, "Not so fast. You're going to have to wait for the chief to get back in a few hours."

The cop immediately takes the man to jail. After a few hours the cop tells the man, "You're lucky, the chief is on his way back from his daughter's wedding, he'll be in a good mood."

The man replies, "I doubt it."

The cop snaps back, "Why do you say that?"

The man replies, "I'm the groom!"

Joke: A man told his wife ten puns about airplanes hoping one would land.

No pun in ten did.