Funny Jokes

Joke: A brunette woman challenges a blonde woman to a swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette tells her, "You have to breast stroke all the way."

The brunette finishes up the race within a few hours and waits for the blonde. She waits and waits and eventually falls asleep.

The next morning she wakes up to the blonde standing over her extremely angry yelling, "You used your arms!"

Joke: Three priests are talking. The first one says, "I've tried everything, but I still can't get rid of our rats!"

The second one says, "I know! We've tried poison, traps, noise. Nothing works."

The third one says, "We baptized and confirmed all of our rats. Now they only show up at Easter and Christmas."

Joke: Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"

His teacher asks him again more slowly, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

But again Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"

Next she asks, "If I get two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would I have?"

Little Johnny replies, "Six!"

"Good Job Johnny! Now if I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

Johnny thinks for a second, "Seven."

His teacher gets mad, "Johnny, where do you get seven?!"

Johnny replies, "You gave me six cats, and I already have a freaking cat!"

Joke: A pirate goes to the doctor to have a few of the moles on his back checked out. When the doctor is finished he tells the pirate, "You're okay, they're benign."

The pirate responds, "Check again doc, there be at least twelve of them."

Joke: A man walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. The bartender tells him they will go flat while he drinks but the man explains to him, "I have two brothers. When we all left home we decided every night we will all go to the bar and have a drink for each of us."

This man becomes a regular and orders three beers every night. But a few months later he comes in silently and orders only two. The bar falls silent. The bartender approaches him and says, "I don't mean to intrude, but I'm sorry for your loss."

The man looks puzzled at first then laughs, "Oh no! My doctor said I had to quit drinking."