Dirty Jokes

Joke: What happened when the wizard went into the gay bar?

Joke: A man a his wife are having dinner when a beautiful woman approaches their table and kissed the man on the cheek and walks away. His wife asks, "Who the hell was that?"

He replies, "My mistress..."

His wife shouts, "What? I want a divorce!"

He calmly replies, "Fine. But remember, you signed a prenup. If we get divorced that means no more vacations, no more shopping trips, no more credit cards, and no more beautiful house or car. But it's up to you."

She looks at him for a moment then notices one of their mutual friends entering with a beautiful lady, "Who's that with John?" she asks.

He tells her, "That's his mistress."

His wife smiles, "Ours is prettier."

Joke: What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Joke: A man and his wife have been happily married for 50 years and are out golfing like they often do. As the husband is teeing off he confesses, "I have something terrible to tell you, but I really hope you forgive me. Right after we got married I cheated on you. It was only once and it was a huge mistake, I've regretted it ever since."

His wife replies as she steps up to the tee, "I accept that and I understand. I have something I need to tell you."

The husband replies, "Anything honey, I'm just happy you're so relaxed about my mistake."

She tells him, "About a year before I met you, I had a sex change operation. I used to be a man."

He is shocked, "You son of a gun... How could you? For all of these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheater!"

Joke: A janitor working at a church is sweeping the floors when a priest approaches him in a hurry, "Hey! I have to use the bathroom, can you hear confessions for a bit?"

The janitor replies, "I have no idea what penance to give."

The father replies, "There's a little chart on the wall, it's easy."

The janitor agrees and gets in the box. Within minutes people start coming in. The first person says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been 1 month since my last confession and I have lied."

The janitor scans the chart, "Lies, lies, lies. Here we go! Say 5 Hail Mary's and 5 Our Fathers!"

The next person comes in, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it's been 6 month since my last confession and I committed adultery."

The janitor find adultery, "Adultery, adultery... There! Say 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Fathers!"

A third person comes in and says, "Forgive me father I have sinned, it has been a year since my last confession and I performed oral sex 8 times on different men."

Again, the janitor scans the chart but he can't find oral sex. He cracks open the confessional and stops an alter boy, "Hey, what does the priest usually give for oral sex?"

The alter boy replies, "Most of the time some candy and a Coke."