Dirty Jokes

Joke: What three words does no woman want to hear during sex?

Joke: Thomas was out of work with the flu for a couple of weeks. When he gets back to work his friend Joe asks him, "Hey, are you doing okay?"

Thomas replies, "It was the best!"

Joe replies, "What? Weren't you sick?"

"My wife truly loves me," Thomas explains,"Every time a delivery guy or the mailman came to the door she would run to the door yelling, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Joke: A blonde woman fears that her husband has been cheating on her so she goes to the gun shop and buys a pistol. The next day when she comes home from work she finds her husband in bed with another woman. She takes out the gun and puts it to her own head. Her husband yells "Don't shoot yourself!"

She yells back "Shut up! You're next!"

Joke: An old man from Italy goes to church to give a confessional. When the priest slides open the panel, the man tells him "Father, I feel terrible. During World War II a beautiful Jewish woman came to my house and I hid her in my attic."

The priest replies "That's wonderful, why would you confess that?"

The man says "After a while she began repaying me in sexual favors, several times a week."

The priest replies "You did a great thing. People in those sorts of situations can succumb to the pleasures of the flesh. But if you're sorry, then you are forgiven."

The man replies "Great! But father, there's one more thing."

The priest says "Yes my son?"

The man replies "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Joke: A guy sleeps with a $5 hooker and gets crabs.

The next day he goes back to complain and the hooker laughs and says, "What did you expect for $5... lobster?"