Dirty Jokes

Joke: What did the man say after having sex for an hour and 45 seconds?

Joke: A man named Paddy goes to a toastmaster contest. He wins the best toast of the night with, "Here's to the last 20 years of me life, spend between me wife's legs."

When he gets home she asks him how it went and he tells her that he won. When she asks him about his toast he tells her, "I said, 'Here's to the last 20 years of me life, spend at the church and with my wife'."

She smiles and kisses him on the cheek.

A few days later she is at the grocery store and sees one of the other men at the competition. He tells her, "You're husband she did give a beautiful speech."

She replies, "He wasn't being completely honest. He's only been there twice since I've known him. He fell asleep one of the times and the other time I have to pull him by the ear to get him to come."

Joke: A man gets arrested in a nightclub for having drugs. He tells the officer "There not mine, I found them. I tried to get rid of them, but every time I flush them down the toilet they reappear in my pocket."

Obviously the officer doesn't believe him but the man tells him "I can prove it!"

So they go into the bathroom and the man flushes the drugs. The officer smiles and says "Now take the drugs out of your pocket smart ass."

The man smiles and says "What drugs?"

Joke: Two hillbillies walk into a bar. They are sitting next to a woman who begins to cough violently. One of the men asks her "Are you okay?" The woman shakes her head no.

He promptly lifts her dress and licks one of her butt cheeks. She instantly spasms violently and spits out the food she was choking on. The hillbilly calmly walks back to his table. The other man turns to him and says "I've never actually seen somebody use the hind lick maneuver."

Joke: A boy is going to have dinner with his girlfriend's family for the first time and he is also going to sleep with her that night. He goes to the pharmacy to get condoms for that night and he ends up talking to the pharmacist for twenty minutes about his plans for the night. Then he buys the large pack of condoms because he is going to be "busy that night."

Later that night he goes to his girlfriend's house and she greets him at the door. They go to the dinner table and sit down to eat. The boy sits quietly for a minute and asks if he can say grace. After he has been praying for 10 minutes his girlfriend leans over and says "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist!"