Dirty Jokes

Joke: A king is going on a very long trip. He wants to keep his wife faithful so he has a chastity built made for her. This is a very special belt because inside there is a miniature guillotine that cuts off any man's member who tries to get through it.

When he returns from his trip he tells all of his men to pull down their pants and he discovers that all but one of them are missing their members. The one man that still has his member is Sir John.

The king says "Good sir, you are the only man who I can trust. If you want anything just say the word."

Sir John replies "UNG! UH! UNG!"

Joke: A bunch of nuns die in a freak accident. When they arrive to heaven they meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates. The first nun approaches him.

"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" he asked.

The nun blushes and says "Well, once I touched one. But just with my finger tip."

Saint Peter says "Just dip your finger tips in the holy water and all will be forgiven." He asks the next nun the same question.

She replies giggling "Well, I gave a man a hand job once."

"Just dip your hands into the holy water and all will be forgiven," he says again.

Suddenly there is a lot of movement among the nuns. "What is going on?" Saint Peter asks.

One nun comes forward and says "If I'm going to have to gargle the holy water I'm doing it before Sister Mary dips her ass in it!"

Joke: A guy walks into a bar and approaches another man at the counter and says, "I just fucked your mother. We did it in your bed and I came all over her. What do you think about that?" The other guy replies, "Dad, you're drunk."

Joke: A businessman who recently acquired a latex factory in Mexico tells his friends of the unsanitary conditions:

"The workers put their hands into the melted latex then cool them in a vat of water. Once they're done they take them off and throw them into the finished pile."

The businessman's friends are disgusted and tell him he should do something about it.

"If you didn't like how they made the gloves, you definitely won't like how they make condoms!"

Joke: John is catching peanuts in his mouth while sitting on the couch next to his wife. John's daughter comes into the house with her date and a peanut gets stuck in John's ear. Her date offers to help him. Her date sticks his fingers into John's nose and tells him to blow. The peanut flies out of his ear. His daughter goes to the kitchen with her date and his wife asks "Do you think she likes him?"

John says "From the smell of his fingers she likes him a lot."