Short Jokes

 

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Joke: One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifle. The man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle. "Oh yes," the clerk said. "I'm not a very good shot but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my day, even did some big game hunting with my brother in law." To which the man responded "No way! Did you get anything?" "I sure did, we were in the African jungle when we suddenly stumbled upon a monstrous crocodile. He was a mean one too. With scars all over his face this was surely one bad croc. My brother in law said he wanted to wrestle it and take a picture afterward. So he crept right up to it, until they were face to face, nose to nose, eye to eye, tooth to tooth. The giant croc stretched its massive jaws preparing to take a bite out of my brother in law. Naturally I couldn't let that happen so I raised my rifle and shot him, shot him right between the eyes." "Amazing" said the man. "Yeah and I had this fancy belt made after I got back to our camp." "Oh wow! So the belt is genuine crocodile skin?"


Punch line: "No, genuine brother in law"


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Joke: A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way. The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"

One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?"

The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, "Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?"

The lady, taken back, replies, "Well.. No... I thought..."

He interrupts her, "Did you also know my sister's husband left her and their two kids without a penny?"

Still stuttering she replies, "Um... Oh my...."

"And my brother lost his legs in the war," The lawyer continues. At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren't saying a word. Then he finishes, "If they don't get a cent, do you expect to?"


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Joke: The classroom was silent. Mrs Smith was handing out to students their last homework sheet. As she did it, she wrote the word plenipotentiary on the whiteboard. Then she turned around and said, " Attention boys and girls. This word is almost hardest English word in the world. So, your job is to put this word into a sentence. I'll give you an example for flower. "In the middle of the circle was a large teardrop shaped flower garden". You see? Nice and easy. Now, whoever made a sentence for the word plenipotentiary, there will be no homework for a month for him or her. So, start now. PLENIPOTENTIARY." Nobody seemed to do it but a boy called Darrell ( Stupidest kid in the classroom) far in the back raised his hand. Everybody stared at him and opened their mouth. Even Mrs Smith. " Oh Darrell, don't tell me you got it. I mean it is impossible for you to get the right answer for easy questions in the first place." Mrs Smith embarrassed him. Nearly everyone laughed. " No Miss, I actually got it. So here it goes, " In the classroom, the teacher shouted out the word plenipotentiary." " Darrell replied. Later, he went home knowing that he don't have to do homework for a month.


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Joke: John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood.


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Joke: One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man about to jump off. I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious or not?"

"I am!"

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To this I replied, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.


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