Funny Jokes

Joke: A devout Christian named Tom is on his deathbed. His pastor arrives and comes into his room. As soon as the pastor steps in Tom's condition worsens. The pastor quickly hands him a piece of paper to write one final message on. Tom quickly scribbles a message and shoves it back to the pastor. The pastor thinks it would be better if he waits to open the message so he puts it in his pocket. Tom dies.

At Tom's funeral the pastor decides to share his final note with everyone. He pulls it out and reads it aloud, "Asshole! Get off of my oxygen tube!"

Joke: What is the formula for ice?

Joke: Two brothers, Timmy and Tommy, are very mischievous so they are sent to a religious reform school.

Almost immediately Timmy gets in trouble and is sent to the principle's office. The large principle looks at Timmy and asks "Do you know where God is?" Timmy's eyes get large but he doesn't say a word. The principle asks again louder "Do you know where God is?!" Timmy suddenly runs out of the room screaming.

Tommy discovers his brother crying in the corner of their room and asks him "What's wrong?"

Timmy responds "They don't know where God is and they think I took him!"

Joke: There was a boy named Johnny who would hang around the corner store. The other boys would pick on him, saying that he is stupid. To prove it, they would offer him a nickle or a dime. He would always pick the nickel and they would make fun of him, saying he picked it because it was bigger.

One day the store clerk asked Johnny, "Why do you always pick the nickel? That's why they make fun of you. Do you choose it because it's bigger?"

Johnny replied, "Well if I stopped picking the nickel they would stop, and I've saved up $20!"

Joke: Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."

There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"