Dirty Jokes

Joke: A blonde woman comes home to discover her husband naked in bed. He begins to have a heart attack so she runs to the phone to call the police. At this point her daughter runs up to her and says "Aunt Lilly is in your closet and she's naked."

The blonde woman slams down the phone and runs to the closet and opens the door. Sure enough, there is her sister hiding behind their clothes. The blonde woman, now furious, yells "My husband is having a heart attack and all you are doing is running around naked scaring my kids?"

Joke: A man and his son are walking down the road and see two dogs humping in a lawn. The son asks his dad, "Why are they doing that?"

Thinking quickly, the father replies, "The dog on top hurt his paw so the other one is helping him walk."

The kid replies, "Figures... You try to help somebody and they just screw you."

Joke: A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

Joke: A guy and a girl are just finishing up having sex in the guys dorm and the girl turns in says "I can't believe I did it! I'm not a virgin anymore."

The guy hears her and asks "So I was your first?"

She replies "Yeah, I always told myself I would wait for the man I loved, my soul mate."

The guy smiles and asks "So you really love me?"

The girl answers "God no! I just got over that silly dream."

Joke: What's the difference between hard and light?