Clean Jokes

Joke: A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Joke: The preacher at a church is giving a sermon about marriage and how sacred it is. He asks for a volunteer who has been married happily for 50 years. An older man stands and says he is just approaching his 50th anniversary.

The priest asks him how he has managed to stay happy for so long. The man replies, "I do everything I can to keep her happy. But most importantly, I took her to Rome for our 25th anniversary."

The priest replies, "That's great! What do you guys plan on doing on your 50th?"

The man says, "I'm probably going to bring her back."

Joke: The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"

The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."

The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"

The man tells him, "About $200 a week."

The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"

One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."

Joke: Knock knock!
Who's there?
Phillip!
Phillip who?
Fill up your pool! I wanna take a dip!

Joke: A man stands buy his grandpa who is dying at 130 years old. His grandpa tells him, "The secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder in your cereal every morning." Then he dies.

The boy listens to him and does it every morning. At the age of 143 he leaves behind 3 wives, 14 children, 40 grandchildren, 78 great grandchildren, 167 great great grandchildren, and a mile wide hole where the crematorium used to be.