Long Jokes

Joke: A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."

Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off. As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks in to bed satisfied with himself.

The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"

She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."

He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."

Joke: There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel bar. Upon arriving to the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied "Everything is big in Texas."

A little later the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door. This door lead to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident.

Scared to death, he started shouting "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Joke: A first grade teacher tells her class that she is American and asks them to raise their hands if they are American.

All of their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks, except one girl named Kristen. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American," the girl responds.

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little annoyed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason. What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

"Well," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

Joke: Gomer Pyle and Betty Lou,... are out on a date at the County Fair. They are walking side by side when Gomer asks, Betty Lou can I hold your hand? And she says, I don't know Gomer. And he says, Oh come on Betty Lou and she says, Well, OK Gomer. And they walked holding hands. As the night went on Gomer asks, Betty Lou can I kiss you? And she says, I don't know Gomer. And he says, Oh come on Betty Lou and she says, Well, OK Gomer. And they kissed. Gomer drove her home and they kissed a little more. Gomer asks, Betty Lou can I put my finger in your belly button? And she says, I don't know Gomer. And he says, Oh come on Betty Lou and she says, Well, OK Gomer. Pretty soon Betty Lou yells out, GOMER THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON and he says, Well surprise,  surprise, that's not my finger either!

Joke: Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"

His teacher asks him again more slowly, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

But again Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"

Next she asks, "If I get two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would I have?"

Little Johnny replies, "Six!"

"Good Job Johnny! Now if I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"

Johnny thinks for a second, "Seven."

His teacher gets mad, "Johnny, where do you get seven?!"

Johnny replies, "You gave me six cats, and I already have a freaking cat!"