Long Jokes

Joke: Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives. One day Tom says to Joe, "If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven."

Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing. About a week later Tom dies.

One night Joe wakes up to somebody calling his name. Scared, he asks, "Who's there?"

Suddenly Tom appears and says, "Hi Joe. I'm coming here from Heaven. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first, there is baseball in heaven!"

Joe gets very excited, but then he asks, "What's the bad news?"

Tom looks at him grimly and says, "I looked at the lineup and you're pitching tomorrow."

Joke: John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns face.

After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.

One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife "I love you so much. I'm so grateful for your sacrifice."

She shrugs and says "Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek."

Joke: Three men are sitting on a beach in Jamaica talking about how they all ended up there. The first man says, "I ran a superstore out in California. But business got bad so one day there was a bad fire and I collected the insurance money and moved out here."

The next man says, "I had a Jewelry store in the Midwest. But business went downhill and we were robbed. So I collected the insurance and moved out here."

The final guy says, "I had a little fishery on the East Coast. One day a hurricane hit and I collected the insurance money. I had nothing left but the money so I moved out here."

The other two men look confused for a while then ask him, "How in the world did you start a hurricane?"

Joke: Two eager athletes approach the football coach telling him they want to play on his football team. Okay says the coach, but first we have to give you a test to see if you're intelligent enough to play on my team (select your least favorite college team). They go to the classroom for the test. The first question on the test is " Old MacDonald had a ______." After a few minutes, one of the guys whispers to the other... "Hey... what did old MacDonald have?" The other guy exclaims, "You dummy! Old MacDonald had a FARM!!" "Ohh Yeah.... Okay." says the first guy. A couple of minutes later, the first guy whispers again... " Hey... how do you spell FARM?" "Oh c'mon you dummy. Don't you remember the song?

Joke: A wealthy lawyer is driving down the road in his limo when he sees two men eating grass on the side of the road. He pulls over to investigate.

He asks one of the men, "Why are you eating this disgusting grass?"

The man replies, "I'm too poor, it's all we have."

The lawyer replies, "You and your buddy can come home with me and I'll feed you."

The man replies, "But sir, we both have families."

The lawyer replies, "Bring them all!" So they all pile into the car.

One of the men's wives turns to the lawyer and tells him, "Thank you so much sir, we really needed this."

The lawyer responds, "No problem, the grass is almost a foot tall, you'll love it!"