Good Jokes

Joke: What do you get when you cross Federal Express and UPS?

Joke: If you had sex every single day for a year and used a condom every time and at the end of the year you turn those used condoms into a tire, what would you call the tire?

Joke: The big bad wolf sneaks up behind the horny Little Red Riding Hood and tells her they're going to have sex. She reaches in her picnic basket and pulls out a gun and says, "no, you're not you're going to eat me just like the book says".

Joke: A couple decided that they're going to enjoy their 5th wedding anniversary at home this year rather than go out. The husband decided that he is going to cook up a lovely dinner. He asks her, while she's sitting in the living room watching TV, "Honey, how does a steak with a baked potato and green peas sound?" She has her finger on her chin for a moment and then says, "Sure, honey. That sounds delicious!" The husband heard the news of his wife's approval for dinner gets his gears moving like a wildfire. Several minutes go by and then minutes start turning in hours. Finally, the husband is done with dinner. He gets out the dinner plates and starts setting the table, even going all out with the candles and everything. After he gets all of that set, he looks at the table and realizes what he's forgotten. He had forgotten to get some wine. Luckily, they had a bottle in a cabinet that they had been waiting to open and what better night to open it than tonight. He grabs two glasses from the kitchen cabinet and sets each next to the plates. He calls over to his wife and says, "Honey! Dinner is ready!" The wife hears the dinner call and away she runs to the table, giving her husband a long kiss before they both sit down to eat. After uncorking the bottle of wine, he pours some for his wife first and then he pours some for himself. While they're eating and drinking their wine, the wife becomes a little buzzed. She thinks nothing of it and continues drinking. Sure enough, the more she drinks, the drunker she gets. The husband, after putting some steak into his mouth, says to her, "Babe, you may want to take it easy on the wine." She goes, "No, honey. I'm fine. I promise." Minutes later, she says, "I love you." The husband goes, "Honey, is that you or the wine talking?" She says, "It's me, but I'm talking to the wine."

Joke: A man was having trouble paying his water bill. He tried and tried to make ends meet, but nothing seemed to work. He went over to his neighbor's house. He says to him, "Hey, man. I'm barely making it on my water bill every month. It's getting to be a real hassle. Can you help a neighbor out? I'll do whatever I can to pay you back. I'll mow your grass, walk your dog, babysit your kids. You name it, I'll do it!" The neighbor ponders for a moment and says, "You know what? You got yourself a deal! You can start with the grass this Saturday and you'll do the rest later on." The man, who is now full of excitement, exclaims, "Sounds good!" Several days go by and the man does everything that his neighbor asked of him. It's about 3 in the afternoon on a Thursday and he goes to check the mailbox and he sees a letter from his neighbor. He heads into the house and sits down at his dining room table. He begins to open the letter and starts reading it. It says: "Hey, neighbor! I wanted to thank you for everything you did! Also, I am still sorry to hear that you are having problems with your water bill. Hope things get better for you! Get well soon! With deepest sympathy, Your Neighbor."