Funny Jokes

Joke: A pirate goes to the doctor to have a few of the moles on his back checked out. When the doctor is finished he tells the pirate, "You're okay, they're benign."

The pirate responds, "Check again doc, there be at least twelve of them."

Joke: One day the triangle player of an orchestra gets very sick and goes the hospital. The entire day he practiced through his sneezing and sniffling. The next day he goes home to find his house surrounded by police cars. He asks a police officer, "What happened?"

The officer replies, "Your conductor came by your house to talk to you while you were at the hospital. He was angry that you missed rehearsal. When he got home and found that you weren't there he killed your entire family in anger."

The triangle player, stunned, looks deeply into the police officer's eyes with a single tear running down his face, "The conductor wanted to talk to me?"

Joke: A blonde woman has lived in Russia for many years. One day a government official comes to her and tells her, "Miss, quite a while back there was an error by a surveyor. You actually live in Ukraine."

The blonde replies, "Thank god! I don't think I could make it through one more Russian winter."

Joke: A man takes a job as the cook on a ship just before a long voyage. He looks around the kitchen for a few hours and all he can find is potatoes in the shape of penises.

He finds the captain and asks him, "Captain, what's with all of the penis shaped potatoes? That's all I can find and I don't think I like it."

The captain looks at him sternly and says, "There's nothing you can do about it. This is a dictatorship!"

Joke: One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman. While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, "Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"

The priest looks at the fisherman and says, "Please mind your language."

The fisherman replies, "Oh... No father, that's the name of a fish. It's a sonofabitch."

The priest heads back to the church. On his way he sees the bishop and addresses him, "Look at the sonofabitch I just caught at the pier!"

The bishop replies, "Father! You are in the house of the lord!"

The priest says, "Oh no! That's the name of the fish, it's a sonofabitch."

The bishop replies, "Oh, if you give me it I can clean it and have Mother Superior cook it for our dinner with the pope."

He cleans the fish and brings it to Mother Superior, "Can you cook this sonofabitch."

She replies, "Why I never! What language for a bishop!"

The bishop tells her, "No, that's the name of the fish. Can you cook it for our dinner with the pope?"

She agrees and makes it up for their dinner with the pope. They sit down with the pope and he takes one bite, "This is wonderful! What is it?"

The priest says, "I caught that sonofabitch."

The bishop says, "I cleaned that sonofabitch."

Mother Superior says, "And I cooks that sonofabitch."

The pope gives them all a blank stare for a moment, takes off his hat, puts it on the table, and says, "You fuckers are alright."