Funny Jokes

Joke: A drill sergeant is yelling at one of his cadets, "You hate me don't you maggot?!"

The cadet replies, "Sir, no sir!"

The sergeant yells back, "I bet you're gonna piss on my grave after I die, aren't you?"

The cadet yells back, "Sir, no sir! I'm never going to wait in lines again when I get back."

Joke: The Pope arrives in New York and gets in his Limo. While driving the Pope asks his driver, "May I drive?"

The driver can't refuse since he's the Pope and all, so the pope hops into the driver seat and the driver into the back.

It's been a very long time since the pop has driven himself so he is a terrible driver. He swerves in and out of traffic and eventually gets pulled over. The police officer that pulled him over approaches the driver but immediately goes back to his cruiser. He tells his partner, "There is an extremely important person in the limo."

His partner asks, "Is it the mayor?"

The cop replies, "Bigger!"

His partner asks, "Is it the governor?"

Again the cop says, "Bigger!"

His partner replies, "It couldn't be the president?!"

The cop says, "I don't know. But whoever it is has the frickin' Pope driving him around!"

Joke: Two men go on a fishing trip. They rent everything they need for the trip including the cabin.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch anything. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home one of them turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Joke: A blonde woman decides to start a handyman service to make some extra money. She walks around a wealthy neighborhood and walks up to the first house.

A man answers the door and she asks if there is anything she can do. He tells her "The porch need painted, how much would that cost?"

She replies "How does $50 sound?" He agrees and she gets to work.

When the man goes back into his house his wife asks him "Does she know the porch wraps around the house?" He tells her "She has to, she saw it."

About an hour later she comes to the door to collect her money. She says "I had extra paint so I put on two coats." The man is really impressed and gives her the money. She thanks him and says "And by the way, it's a BMW, not a porch."

Joke: What is the best part of living in Switzerland?